h-unit: something of a different adventure in self-indulgence

2009-03-22T21:27:00.003-04:00

Hey everyone!

Just a quick note to let you know that I'm not going to be blogging at this site anymore...the interfacey stuff is driving me nuts, and so I've found a new home at:

http://feminesting.wordpress.com

I hope it's not a huge pain in the ass for those of you who have been so kind to "follow" me, and for those who just keep up from time to time. Would love to see you at my new place! ;)

2009-03-19T20:29:00.004-04:00

Rejoining the world of the (barely) living

I've survived my first week of work post-maternity leave, although I do feel like I'm cheating a leetle by saying that since my "weeks" are four days long now. Wussy weeks! I'm pretty damned thankful though. Because oh yes, guess what? I've decided a need a new career altogether. But let's not get ahead of ourselves yet.

First, on the professional front. I had a lovely time fielding phone calls and e-mails from colleagues welcoming me back...really nice for the ego, I must say. And frankly I'm very glad for the distraction, because I had little by way of actual work to do this week! Seriously, I billed like six client hours total - the rest was pro bono and "administrative." Eek! Not good, especially since now that I'm on flex-time I actually have a minimum hours requirement (note, however, that full-time associates don't...dur). This being through no fault of my own, since I did my best to throw myself at the assigning partner and get some work. There may be some briefing to do in one of my old cases, in which case, done and done, I'm their girl. Sort of awesome in the sense that I love, love, love drafting, especially with the partner and senior associate in question, but kind of scary in that there are some tortured legal issues involved that I've been super thankful to avoid until now. But it's good for people to have to do things they don't like. In moderation.

On the baby front, she's been in daycare from about 9am-5pm every day with lots of mommy visits. Those mommy visits are probably going to have to be curtailed, for good reason. First, I am getting NOTHING done by running down every time she's hungry. It's impossible to guess when she's hungry, too, as she's still in that stage where some days she'll eat everything in sight and on others, she couldn't be bothered with food. Also, her napping is all over the place, so sometimes it takes 3-4 calls between the daycare and me to coordinate a feeding. And second, I've had the good fortune to be given a child who is a little advanced for five months. She is already experiencing separation anxiety, and so it's significantly tougher to leave her 5+ times a day than it would be to leave her just once or twice. So I think that once I have a space in which to pump at the office (a WHOLE dramatic side-post in and of itself), I will be feeding her just in the mornings when I drop her off, at lunchtime, and then maybe once before we leave for the day.

So. Things brings us to my larger feelings about the whole endeavor and why I am getting the slightly sinking, but yet exhilarating, sense that maaaaybe I'm in the wrong field altogether.

Flex-time is fahreaking me out. On the one hand I feel like I'm making out like a bandit. I'm at home on a Friday morning in my pajamas while the baby is napping sweetly in her own crib. I have ambitious plans to tidy up before Josh gets home and even take the baby to her doctor's appointment. This whole week I was able to walk out of my office at 5, and only yesterday did I have to field some e-mails at night.

But ah, here's the rub. I haven't had any freaking work to do! And I still felt some sickening guilt leaving at what is essentially the middle of the day! Four days in and I'm tweaking about my career already...because the time will come, and will come soon, when I'm on a busy matter and I'll have work to do in the evenings. Good lord, how will I swing that? Evenings are packed with getting the baby to sleep, fixing dinner, and prepping for the next day. I could go to bed later, but with a baby who still wakes 2-3 times a night, that's heartily unappealing. Weekends are the next in line to be sacrificed, which I always knew was part of the "deal," but it is a little sad to think of giving up our only family time too.

I had some master plan about ramping back up to full time once Piglet's three months at the daycare are up, but I don't think that's super realistic right now. As much as I do think the daycare will be good for her, my heart does break a little at the thought of her in there all day every day. She's been crying a lot, which isn't the biggest issue since she's still a baby. Hell, she cries at home...but it's a different beast for some reason when I think of her crying inconsolably in a strange place with strange people. Obv, this will be rectified in time, but I still can't help but think maybe five days is a bit much to expect. But this is also coming from the perspective of my already being back at work - how quickly we romanticize our previous lives! I'm more protective about "our" time now that I know it's (comparatively) limited.

You might be asking the plainly obvious question: why the hell am I stressing myself out about "big" decisions at the end of the first week? My emotions are clearly out of whack, I'm discombobulated and stoopit, and really tired. True. But the bigger issue here is, what the hell am I doing even contemplating working 60+ hours as essentially a corporate mercenary? Is this what I wanted to do with the rest of my life? Because there was a time when I had promised myself I'd only be doing this type of work to make some quick cash and get out. Now I'm totally meandering because it's "safe" and "easy." And paying for it dearly, because the longer I stay here, the more I'm giving up in terms of finding out what I really want to do with the rest of my life. It's not even the hours anymore. It's that my hours have to be worth something more...I have to be able to justify my time away from my family with something worthwhile. I'm not running the country or curing cancer or even making the world a tiny bit better by what I do. I'm just collecting mad money, which don't get me wrong, is awesome, but...good enough? I don't know. I can't even begin to formulate answers to all the questions swirling around in my head, but I think maybe it's enough to just be asking them at this point.

2009-03-17T11:14:00.000-04:00

Letter to Piglet at Five Months - on my last day of maternity leave!

What a curious journey. In five short months I've gone from the woman who would be pregnant forever to a real mother...and you've been my trusty sidekick all along. Unthinkable in some ways, really, because often it feels like you've always been here. Was there ever a time I had long, idle days that I spend lounging around and watching Food Network reruns? Did I ever fix dinner without you perched on the counter in your Bumbo, watchful eyes taking everything in? You've put your slobbery little hand-stamp on every last inch of my life and far from it feeling oppressive, it's actually pretty wonderful.

I have to tell you that the last month has felt not unlike emerging from a thick, hormonal and sometimes pretty desperate fog. The change in you, now that you can sit up, interact, laugh and SLEEP!!! is nothing short of farking remarkable. Not that you were a particularly challenging baby before, except for your heinous sleep issues. We truly count ourselves to be incredibly fortunate, because you are beyond perfect, but like any wee bairn you threw our household and heretofore relatively uncomplicated lives for a loop. Thinking on the first three months does have me squirming in my chair a little - but you know what's funny? Not once during your even most trying moments did I ever reconsider my intention to give you lots and lots of siblings! And from what I'm told, this is a rare conviction on the part of new mothers. So I would take that as a compliment! Even in our darkest moments, there was never any question that you had enriched our lives beyond anything we could ever have contemplated and we would do it a hundred times over. I used to wonder at how parents could so unequivocally state that they would give up anything, up to and including their lives, for their children, and I wondered if I would ever feel that sort of all-encompassing, totally consuming love. The short answer is yes. It happens to the best of us, I guess! But it's true...there is no doubt in my mind about the lengths I would go to to keep you safe and happy. It doesn't even come from an emotional place. It's just something I know for sure, and forever.

This is especially important for me to get out on paper for you today because today is officially my last day of maternity leave. On Monday, you, me and daddy are going to strap you into the carrier and tootle on down to my office, where your care will be entrusted to the wonderful teachers in the infant room at Bright Horizons. Your new world for the next three months. As convinced as I am that this is the best thing for our family, it would be a bald fib to claim that I'm not nervous about the transition. How on earth will I get everything I do now done and work forty hours a week (this being on a reduced schedule!)? I've dutifully made up a meal and chore plan that are stuck up on the fridge, but how long until the "systems" collapse under the weight of daddy and my respective workloads?? How will you adjust? You're a smart little thing and already detect and shun most strangers! You've only just gotten into a good sleeping routine. You're humorous and sweet but also demand lots of attention. But at the same time, my more logical self knows that everything is really unfolding as it should.

I want you to know that while I never seriously contemplated not returning to work, our choice to be a "working family" is not one that was made without deep, critical and continuous thought. This may be a particular issue for you because we aren't the "typical" working family, either. There will likely be many days that your father or I will walk in the door much later than 6, or when you'll encounter us working late into the night from home or on weekends. I hope that you'll understand why it's so important for us to work hard and achieve things for the family that we never had growing up, and also that we would never pursue these things to the detriment of you or your future siblings. All of our decisions are subject to being switched up if for one second we feel that we're not doing the best we can by you...who knows, by the time you're reading this, we could be living completely different lives!

There's not a day that goes by when I'm not completely grateful for this time we've been able to spend together, even when it's been hairy and I've longingly thought of my office and a skinny tall latte that I could drink HOT in SILENCE. For all my anxieties and tendency to question every little decision along the way, I can't look at you and not think that we can't be totally botching the operation. You look happy enough and frankly you're just unreasonably cute sometimes! You seem to love the silly faces and songs and dances I do for your sole entertainment. Your favorite activity, which I'm happy to tolerate for now, is grabbing fistfuls of my face while standing on my lap...ouch! In fact, you find the greatest delight in some pretty insane stuff...and so if I'm destined to mess you up somehow hopefully the ship hasn't sailed yet!

Mad love for you, Miss Piglet, even though you're currently screaming the apartment down. Time to stop waxing philosophical about parenting and instead perform!

xoxoxo Ma

2009-03-09T09:20:00.002-04:00

My last week on mat leave!

Wow, did that sneak up on me. Although to be honest, I do feel like I've been off forever and ever. In the legal word, six months may as well be forever anyway. Waaah! Hold me!

Seriously, though...I actually am looking forward to most aspects of being back at work, but also apprehensive. Most significantly, the landscape of the world has changed immeasurably. Our biggest clients are investment banks, which I'm told no longer exist. Whoops. And on a more micro level, I really wonder how long it's going to take to dust off my atrophied legal skills. What if they never come back at all? What if I spend my days staring at my computer with Jumperoo music playing a continuous loop in my head? What if I open my mouth to speak at a meeting but accidentally end up blowing a raspberry?

Okay, okay, and lest you throw up your hands in despair and write me off as the worst mother who ever existed, I am a little apprehensive about daycare for Piglet too. Not so much because I worry about how she'll be treated or anything, because I have every confidence in the facility she's going to, but just about how the change will be for her. If she's anything like her ma, she'll love the stimulation and new faces. But of course, in the last couple of weeks I've started to notice her acting a little more like a mama suck, even to the point where she'll wail when left alone with daddy. Luckily, this tends to only happen when she's crabby to begin with. And hell, who knows, maybe daycare will send her back all fresh and improved. Hah! Maybe she'll sleep and eat beautifully for them and never scream and always share! Maybe they can teach her to load the dishwasher and mop the floors too! :whistle:

My biggest fear is that this change will hit me like a ton of bricks in terms of trying to balance everything. I mean, realistically, now I'll have to do everything I do now, PLUS a full time job. (And yes, I'm going back flex-time for the first few months, but that's still pretty much a full time job since I have to bill 38 hours a week!) The flex-time schedule will probably help in the ramping up to full speed aspect of the transition, but it also means less money, which means less flexibility in spending on things like takeout, house cleaning, and outsourced laundry. It was tough to know whether it was the right decision to make...like, should I take this massive paycut if it just means that I have to devote more time to domestic drudgery? We shall see how it all shakes out!

2009-02-18T19:47:00.003-05:00

Seventy Two Hours of Sleep Training

I'm putting this out on the Internet for two independent but very important purposes. First, it'll function as something of a journal - or hopefully a funny memoir we can share with Piglet in happier times. *wince* Second, it'll hopefully provide some support and encouragement to other parents thinking of sleep training but either not knowing where to begin or fearing that it'll make things worse or damage their children irrevocably. I can't speak authoritatively about the last point but I can share how it's changed our lives already...yes, I'm risking even jinxing our considerable progress at this point just to spread the good word!

We're using the Sleepeasy Solution. Prior to the mini-breakdown that precipitated a Sunday morning mad dash to Barnes & Noble to pick up the book, I was more or less firm that I wouldn't let the baby "cry it out" ("CIO") at least for a few months. The anti-CIO literature out there is so prevalent that even I, with an open skepticism for most attachment parenting theories, was really terrified that I was going to ruin the baby by letting her cry. But after worsening sleep and naps, to the point where she was waking maybe twenty times a night and napping 20 minutes at a time four times a day, IF that, and my pediatrician assured us that she was ready, I couldn't ignore it any longer.

Our first impulse was to hire a baby nurse that my friend Sarah had used. She had insisted way back when I was pregnant that I would need a baby nurse and I'd privately rolled my eyes at her silly extravagance. It's a baby, not quantum physics. Yeah...anyway, I wondered if perhaps we should try ourselves before outsourcing, not only because of the $$ ($175 per night!), but also because I had an uneasy feeling about getting someone else to do something I really should have the cojones to do myself, if I was going to do it at all. And so, we picked up the Sleepeasy book and I read it in one sitting.

It's been two nights and two days and I do have to say that while it isn't "easy" by any means, we are so lucky that it hasn't been too heinous. In the night she hasn't ever cried for more than 10 minutes at a time *knock wood* and both nights so far she has cried very little after, say, 9pm. Naps are harder because she cries at the beginning and the end of the nap, and also I'm alone and have to stay strong and talk myself up! There is no worse feeling than going in to get your baby when she's been crying and having to see her teary face break into a sweet, trusting smile as soon as she sees you. You feel like a special kind of monster, that's for sure. But I have to say that, even though it's early days yet, the improved sleep has improved her disposition considerably. She's not whining and complaining all the time, and seems to be able to focus much better. Definitely, some kids don't do well with this type of method. I've heard of kids screaming for hours on end and forcing themselves to throw up :/. So thank heavens for small mercies. I don't think I could have kept trucking through those types of circumstances.

Despite my sincere belief that this really is the best thing for her and the time is right, it's such a sensitive parenting issue and really one of the most difficult things I've had to go through yet. If you're thinking of it, but are yet feeling guilty for even contemplating it, and feeling yourself torn by the Searseque stuff you're reading about how it's "lazy parenting" and will cause your child to hate and distrust you, well, all I can say is that I understand! And I hope you find a solution that'll work for your family! Sleep deprivation is truly the suck.

2009-02-16T20:13:00.003-05:00

Piglet's Adventures in Sleep Training

Once again, I begin with a warning...I must let everyone know that this is one that probably won't resonate unless you have very small children at home, or have had small children in the not-so-distant past, such that the memory of horrific nights is still raw and recent enough to cause a little shiver down your spine.

Every parent at some point or another whines about their baby's sleeping. It's so common that it's a punchline, really. People will rib you about "never sleeping again" when you're pregnant and you roll their eyes at their negativity. Why do they need to be so grim anyway? Gawsh! You'll just be so happy to have a little baby that a bit of sleep deprivation here and there will be hardly worth grousing about. And anyway, you're no stranger to sleepless nights. You've been known to participate in a bender or two in your wilder days. You may even be a very important doctor or lawyer or some other always-on-call person who's pulled more than a handful of all-nighters. So whatever. You know what you're in for.

Until that precious little thing arrives and hmmm. Sure doesn't sleep a lot for a baby, does she? Maybe a phase. Maybe colic. Maybe just gas. Maybe it's too hot. Too cold? Maybe we should buy a new mobile for the crib. Maybe a better crib? Maybe some blackout blinds. Maybe this cool $120 sleep sack from New Zealand? Sure is pretty! Maybe we swaddle? But she hates the swaddle. No, the swaddle's good for her. But shit, now she's busting out of it. Co-sleeping?Studies say it can cause SIDS! But wait, this other one says it prevents SIDS. Huh? Well, let's just give it a shot and not tell the pediatrician. Okay, it sort of works in that you're dozing through the feeds instead of getting up a million times a night, but now she wants to nurse every five minutes. WTF?

Aaaaaand then she's four months old and you haven't slept more than two hours at a time in eons and holy shit, you're going back to work in a few weeks. But what can you do about it? Letting them cry it out is evil...right? "Lazy parenting"?? And what on earth would Dr. Sears say? The attachment parenting crew would have your head.

But this is where we find ourselves. She's four months and one week old and while I fervently wish it had never ever had to come to this, she lies in her crib now screaming her fool head off. This will probably sound like your typical whiny parent hyperbole, but we were truly at the point where she was waking dozens of times in the night. For all my fears about "letting" her cry, she was certainly doing enough of it while being held close, nursed, bounced, rocked, swung...something had to give. I am not exaggerating when I say her poor sleeping was pretty much ruining motherhood for me. I could barely focus during the day and had zero physical or emotional energy to spend on entertaining her for the whole day (minus her four 30-minute naps, if she felt inclined to take them!)...and I hate to admit it but I was getting resentful. Not at her because, obviously, she's a small baby who doesn't know any better and can't help it. But I felt like I was failing miserably at helping her.

I started to look into a baby nurse (I can't believe I was so sarcastic about people who hired baby nurses before Piglet arrive!!) but ultimately decided to try ourselves first. We're using The Sleepeasy Solution, which involves crying and periodic "check-ins." Tonight's our first night and it's hard. Hearing your baby cry and not being able to go to them honestly is one of the worst things I have ever experienced. Ugh! But I'm determined to give this method a fair shake. It's worked for thousands of people and they can't all be evil sadists, can they?

Horribly painful, but I hope to post a very positive update in a few days. *whimper* Wish us luck!

2009-02-07T13:20:00.002-05:00

Till Children Do Us Part

The wonderful New York Times recently published an op-ed that appears to have really resonated, as it's been on their "most e-mailed" list for a few days now. Here's the piece.

I suppose that if you listen to the anecdotal evidence (also known as your friends and family's bitching and groaning about their kids), the idea that children can stress a marriage won't be news to you. But I'm actually a lot more interested by another point the article makes (although note, the whole thing is worth reading!): Parents today spend much more time with their children than they did 40 years ago.

Now there's a counterintuitive idea. Aren't we the generation of the overworked, overwhelmed, over-stressed? We're all obsessed with money, getting ahead, or just keeping up, and our poor neglected families suffer for it? I love when empirical evidence comes along to shatter our cozy assumptions - especially when those assumptions involve re-casting the past in a warm but totally inaccurate light.

Almost every working mother you know will tell you that she's felt at least a tiny little twinge of guilt at the fact that her job keeps her away from her children for x number of hours a week. If she didn't feel that guilt on her own, trust me, she's been served heapings of it from every conceivable source. And a huge factor in all of this is this mythical creature we seem to have created out of thin air: the doting mother from gentler days, always home and available for the kids, always busily sewing Halloween costumes and casually baking up brownies for tomorrow's Boy Scouts meeting, always dreaming up family activities and diligently ensuring everyone had their clean socks and sundry for the week. Yeah, I didn't need a study to tell me that we dreamed most of this up. In reality, those moms were far too busy to be planning play dates and carefully micromanaging each child's homework, hovering away in the background. And when Fridays rolled around, you can bet mom and dad weren't settling down with the kiddies for family movie night. More likely, you'd be deposited at the home of your crazy cat lady neighbor Mrs. McLeod while they went out and got their drink on.

No real deep thoughts here. I'm just cackling with the dark amusement of the (for-now...until the next study comes out, anyway!) vindicated.

2009-02-07T12:40:00.002-05:00

A Simpler Life?

So, I've read the books...pondered hard on the theories...nodded sagely in agreement with all the polemics. "We" are overspent! Over-indebted! Over-scheduled!

It all resonates, truly.

And yet! When I try to take these thoughts and sort of assemble them in a way that would help me think critically upon my own life, I get - what? Uncomfortable? Squirmy? Defensive is probably the right word. Against no one but myself, of course, since it's not like anyone's ever accused me of living an overly superficial or materialistic life (to my face anyway! And husbands don't count!). It's probably a pretty common knee-jerk reaction, because it makes us uncomfortable when our petty rationalizations start to smell a little funky even to ourselves. "Well, when other people do or buy or borrow or revere those things, they're being superficial or materialistic...when I do it, it's because I really need those things! Or because I rarely treat myself! Or because I'm actually SAVING myself time and money in the long run. And my carbon footprint isn't that big anyway so I can afford to indulge a little here and there." Mmmm-hmm.

My awful hypocrisy is revealed pretty much on a weekly basis, when I go through my closets and cupboards and it seems like I throw out at least 30% of my stuff. Not that it makes a difference to how it all looks!? Everything's still stuffed to the very edge. *puzzled* That's probably a separate confession in the making on my general organization skills.

My first year sociology prof told us that it's a fallacy to think that we live in an "acquisitive" society. We may think we do, but if that were the case, we'd just have our stuff piled up everywhere. We're actually a society that likes to throw things out and is obsessed with new, better, revamped, improved. And that is absolutely me! Today I threw out every single one of my lipsticks. Why do I even have lipstick?? I never wear it! I also have at least eight different brands of moisturizer and body butter. Why? I never use them! And yet I recall having made special trips to the Body Shop and Aveda and Sephora because I just had to have them. Meep. We clear out bags and bags of things on a regular basis but I guess we're just making room for more, because we never lack for stuff! And at any given moment I could rhyme off pages of things that I want.

Maybe I have a stuff-shaped hole...like other people have god-shaped holes? I could be onto something, right? Look out for my book!

2009-02-03T21:15:00.003-05:00

Letter to Piglet, approaching four months

I'm sadly overdue for one of these, because precisely what I feared came to pass. We muddled along, as we do, and things were more or less the same, or so it seemed. Day in, day out, it seemed like a constant challenge to stay one step ahead of the fussies and keep you entertained until the end of another day...and then one day I looked at you and realized, oh wow. You're not the wee bairn I brought home in October!

So forgive this little lapse, little Piglet, hopefully not the first of a long litany of complaints and perceived slights that you'll recite back to me one day. For this particular one, please know that you bear no small role of responsibility in my tardiness, because you've been a most taxing little thing for the last few weeks. Somehow you went from a needy, often cranky, but also passive and sometimes amenable little creature in the first few months of your life to this BEING! With personality! Or "vinegar," as I've been calling it. No longer will you rest comfortably on the couch while mama peruses the NY Times or makes the odd phone call. All of a sudden you needed to be entertained constantly, and this was a particularly hairy situation in the couple of weeks before you were able to really focus on and understand the concept of objects outside yourself.

Thankfully we've progressed to the point where you are very skillfully reaching out and grabbing things that catch your interest: toys that dangle temptingly above your face, an outstretched finger, sometimes a big fleshy handful of mama's face. Clipping your nails on a regular basis is a matter of grave importance because if I let them go even one day too long, the pain of your digging them into my nipples when you nurse is excruuuciating. You are still not particularly interested in letting me get any sleep, today's four hour "boob nap" notwithstanding. If you can pull off an hour's nap, I'm elated (hint: it doesn't happen very often). If you can sleep for two hours straight in the night, I'm astounded. If you can do that in your own crib, well, I haven't seen it anytime recently. But we'll get there. I have to cling to that hope!

Hard as it is to believe, we're coming to the end of the days of just you and me. I've got to get back to the office in a little over a month! I've loved having you as a little sidekick, and I think that as the weeks go by you'll just ingratiate yourself further ;). But it's time, Piglet...mama needs to get back to the office, rejoining the world of the living and the litigious. I hope you'll understand in the times when it feels kind of poopy that I'm busy or distracted or stressed that no matter what, you and your future siblings and your father will always be the center of my life and absolutely indispensable to my happiness. You may not have a mother who can sew you a Halloween costume or show up for every single swim practice or help chaperone field trips (and frankly, let's face it, you should be glad for that last one...pretty sure you would be mortified at that, if you're anything like me!). But it's important to me to live as full a life as I can handle, and that to me involves work and play as well as home and hearth. I would want no less for you.

Thank you for the family, Miss Piglet.

2009-01-25T08:28:00.002-05:00

Ooooh. How now?

I have "followers"? Quelle awesomeness! I suppose that's yet another feature of Blogger I haven't been arsed to learn about. But I like! Thanks! I am newly motivated to keep my blog updated! For selfish reasons too, really, since more and more I'm realizing that this is the only record I have of these crazy times in the life of me. I just went back and had a wee giggle at my stressed out self in 2006, writing when I first started working at the firm. I described my state of mind as "near-catatonic" with fear that I was always thisclose to monumentally screwing up and costing the firm a shitload of money. Hee! Ahh. The more things change...

Today I'm only really clear-headed enough to write this early in the morning because Josh, the dear, kind man, got up with the baby when she started her 7am shenanigans. Probably due to my very subtle request yesterday morning that he sometimes take the baby out of bed when she starts her shenanigans...you know..starting now? *whistle* He did take it in good grace, though, but don't think I didn't hear you tell the baby that mommy's cranky. I hear everything. I have developed cat-like auricular facilities from hours spent holding my breath listening to every peep and sigh coming out of the baby monitor. You'll never slip one past me now, suckahs.

I did have a point to this post for a change! We have actually come out and decided that if I can get a decent job, we're moving to California at the end of the summer. What this makes me feel between relief and excitement and hope, I can't even begin to describe...because before making this decision we were going to move to New Jersey. New Jersey. Not that there's anything wrong with that (*muffled snort*), except that it would just fill me with dread and horror every time I thought on it. I'm just not ready to become a suburban housewife, especially not out here when we spend eight months out of the year as prisoners in our home. This maternity leave has seriously almost done me in and I think it's because of being stuck stuck stuck inside every farking day. Like most New Yorkers, we don't have a car, and there's no mall or anything around where we can go do laps and keep warm. It's march about in the arctic outdoors or nothing. And I choose nothing over frigid temperatures...but that makes for a very long day! And a near-hysterical baby who'd rather look at anything but me by the end of it. Smart lady.

That turned into a total rant about Manhattan...which it wasn't supposed to be. Oops. Manhattan is wonderful - it really is - but it's meant for young people without kids, or fabulously wealthy people. Since we're no longer the former, and have no hope of becoming the latter, it's time to mosey on. Of course, the horrifying economy may make it impossible to make our move this year, but at least our Plan B is to rent a two bedroom in Brooklyn for another year and then try again. Which I can live with!

2009-01-18T10:24:00.004-05:00

It's true. Oh god, it's true.

Everything "they" said about how you just don't know wtf you did with your time before you had kids. Completely and utterly true. I mean, we do need to account for the fact that I've always been a bit of a loser and it's not like my social card was always full - there's been many a weekend where I (*shameful face*) didn't leave my apartment except for a quickie Starbucks or drugstore run. But in hindsight, my past life stretches back into time in my imagination as an idyllic period of unlimited, well-rested opportunity. Even if the grandest of my accomplishments has been to catch every single Law & Order marathon on TNT that's aired in the last two years.

It's not that I don't get periods of opportunity or frankly even idleness these days. It's just an entirely new animal...like the time I get to mindlessly surf the web while my daughter is nursing, or to read quietly next to her crib while I'm desperately willing her to sleep longer than twenty minutes. Could I pop in an exercise video while she sleeps? Perhaps...but it's hard to work up the motivation when the landscape could change so drastically in a matter of minutes. It's just not an appealing idea: peel myself off the couch, get into my workout gear, clear furniture, grab my weights and pop in video, only to be stopped five minutes in by a wail from the next room. What? What's that you say? Sometimes about excuses? Well...mebbeh so. :) But the general point stands...what in the name of everything that's holy did I ever do with my hours and hours of spare time? Seriously? Why didn't I learn a language? Run for office? Write a couple of bodice rippers? Bake up a wedding cake or two on the weekends?

Piglet's awake, so not much time to chat, but just a little snapshot of this moment in time. We're in the middle of trying to i

mpose some control on the chaos that is her wee life. Mostly in the form of regular naps in her crib. Every single day is a new adventure...predictability ain't her strong suit. Mostly I worry about getting things in order before she starts daycare in - gulp - less than two months. But apparently many changes are in store between months three and five, so I remain optimistic.

Piglet says hi.

2008-12-24T09:41:00.002-05:00

It's the day before Christmas...

And eerily, not a creature is stirring in my house. That's quite a feat, considering that this household is comprised of a prowly cat, a dog who is set off into fits of futile barking whenever he hears the slightest peep in the hallway, a strong-willed infant and two adults who are excessively fond of television, talking and iTunes (often all at once). But for now, the pets and infant sleep sweetly and my husband is probably the only person in the universe at the gym today.

Our ambitions go no further than tidying up, taking showers, stopping in at the drugstore and setting all the presents up under the tree today. Then tonight...Piglet's first restaurant outing! We are going to take on the moderately priced Chinese establishment two blocks down...hah. And even the prospect of this gives me the heebie jeebies. God help me, but this is an inscrutable child. I was never destined to be one of those confident moms who seems to know without any doubt what's going on with her baby at any moment. ("He's hungry...Oh, it's been forty-three and a half minutes since he ate, he's gassy...Time for a nap, see, his eyes look tired...That's definitely an overtired cry!") No, I bumble along and attempt a mishmash of soothing techniques before I just lie her down and nurse her. No wonder she's in the 90th percentile for babies her size...the bar's always open. But anyway - all this to say that I still feel like her behavior is completely out of my control, and I have no idea what to expect tonight. A full-on screamfest (I have come to affectionately calling it her "angry baboon" screaming) could commence as we take our seats. Last night she inexplicably screamed the house down for half an hour. No idea why. And then out of desperation, we swaddled her up and she fell asleep shortly thereafter.

Like I said. Bumbling. And she calls! Gotta run.

2008-12-19T16:45:00.005-05:00

Deep Thoughts on Mommyhood (or, "Shove your bubble bath, Chatelaine")

Good work in keeping to the chosen theme, right? I know...but frankly, y'all should just be grateful that I'm not waxing philosophical about poop and lactating and oooh BabyGap just e-mailed me a 20% off coupon and zomg what should I buy?? Because these are the things I fill my husband's ear with every.single.day. I have correctly surmised, however, that he's more interested in those things than what Maureen Dowd or Arianna Huffington have to say today.

Today's topic is in a way the flip side of last week's. Or actually, in a way, its necessary complement...the yin to its yang, sorta kinda. I, again, have a bone to pick with my fellow moms and perhaps it is the mirror image of the mommy guilt issue: since when did motherhood become some kind of sick competition to see who can out-martyr everyone else??

Okay, yes, that was entirely rhetorical. I think we can all figure out when this happened. And that is, uh, the beginning of time, in a way. Good, virtuous, socially-sanctioned femininity has always been synonymous with self-deprivation and the suppression of self. You don't show off your smarts, lest you make others uncomfortable. You don't ask for much, lest you look greedy. You don't talk about your accomplishments, lest you appear self-aggrandizing. And when babies arrive on the scene? Sayonara, former self.

I guess I just didn't realize that this attitude was still in fashion. I stupidly believed that we'd moved past the motherhood as sublimation and self-denial era - thought it was as passe as wedge heels and wood beams, actually - but now I realize that that's just a high-larious trick we've played on ourselves. It's all smoke and mirrors, right alongside the magazine articles that tell us, "There there...mommies do so much...you should really do something for yourself! Like, take a bubble bath! Yeah! That'll recharge your batteries, and get you all revved up for your next 24 hour shift of servitude!"

UHHHH...excuse me? I didn't sell my personhood for a bubble bath and weekly glass of wine, thank you very much.

My sociology professor taught us that the main characteristic of a status symbol is that few people can attain the coveted object: essentially, that once it becomes mainstream, something new, exclusive, difficult to attain and expensive takes its place. I feel like martyring motherhood is like the new status symbol. It's not enough to avoid alcohol and tobacco during pregnancy: now, you must fanatically avoid defiling yourself with sushi, chocolate, mayonnaise, Caesar salad and relaxing hot baths. It's not enough to breastfeed for a year and then introduce your regular old homogenized milk: now, you must breastfeed until the baby "self-weans" (oh, which apparently doesn't happen for at least two years! enjoy!), cut out dairy and spice and everything nice, and then search high and low to provide goat's milk (nutritionally superior to cow's, don't you know anything?). It's not enough to take a few months or even a year off with your new baby: now, you "belong" at home into perpetuity because your children "need" you. What kind of evil mother would entrust her baby's care to a STRANGER? Or even worse, deposit her child at the germ infested cesspools they call daycares? Never mind that you once had ambitions. Never mind that you had goals of your own. You will have to wait.

It's a race to the unattainable ideal...and the more you elevate everyone else's needs above your own, the better. Because your babies are only small once and you can always go back to work later and become a world-renowned concert pianist at age 45, right? No harm, no foul.

The obvious question that I'm sure arises from this rant is...well, who cares? Who cares what other people choose to do? If they want to play the who's the better mommy chicken, why does that matter to me? Well, besides the fact that my inner Gloria Steinem is screaming, it's a simple matter of setting norms. It becomes the standard against which all women's behavior is measured and reinforces a certain mode of femininity as ideal. Anyone falling outside those parameters is "weird." A little Googling will demonstrate all too clearly how women marginalized in this way - who don't act in accordance with our ideal of womanhood - draw the short stick. Consider women who dare to, say, run for public office when they have small children at home (Sarah Palin); don't break down and sob for the cameras in the face of unthinkable tragedy (Kate McCann); or who don't play nice with the big boys (Hilary Clinton; Joan of Arc; you get my point). They have to contend with much more than just the judgmental glares and disapproving clucking of other mothers. Society throws the book at them.

And ultimately it does also circle back to the issue of mommy guilt. As much as I say I'm not going to play ball, these new norms worm their way into your head and surface to make you feel like crap when you're already doubting yourself.

2008-12-11T09:11:00.005-05:00

Mommy Fail No. 1

I keep a secret "see me in hell" list upon which Smug Mummies (heretofore "SMs") place in at least one of the top five spots, depending on my mood. Oof, but I hate those SMs. Even when in a moment of rare honesty I have to admit to myself that I actually agree with what they're saying, or can maaaaaybe see what they might be driving at, it's how they say it that makes me want to beat them with their own copy of Dr. Sears's Baby Book.

"We've never had problems like that here. I'm glad I did my research beforehand."

"My heart just breaks for the poor babies whose parents let them cry."

"I haven't slept more than two hours straight in sixteen years, but I don't mind. I always knew that motherhood required sacrifices."

*muffled shriek*

But now...in keeping with the whole honesty thing I'm trying to go with here lately...it doesn't seem so wild and crazy that parents can get verrrry cozily comfortable in their ideas of what good parenting is when things are going well (at the very least, in their own minds - the rest of us can continue to shoot venomous looks when their pweshuses channel hooligan guerillas in the middle of JFK). My Piglet isn't really old enough to reflect good or bad parenting back at me yet, or so I've convinced myself. She's...small. And so, kind of a blob, if you will. We cuddle on the couch, nurse, sometimes get on the ground with her playmat, sometimes swing in the baby swing when mummy needs a minute to herself, and sometimes walk around the house and point out things ("Dog! Cat! Christmas tree! Mirror baby!") and then Discuss. But other than that, she doesn't have particularly fearsome needs. I'd lulled myself into thinking that this wasn't all that bad and that I wasn't botching it all up too badly.

And then yesterday. Piglet had her first set of vaccinations...which in and of themselves weren't a huge issue. She shrieked through them, but I think those were more shrieks of rage at being ignominiously stripped nekkid, examined and restrained by these odd people in white coats. Our bright idea was that, since Josh was taking part of the morning to go to the doctor's with us, we'd rent a car and do some shopping for the rest of the day. And oh! Let's see some apartments in Hoboken, where we're thinking of moving.

I'm not going to go into detail about the horrors of the day, mostly because I don't want to read back over this blog and feel sick to my stomach every time. But suffice to say that a long day of being carted around, interrupted naps, pain in her thighs at the injection sites, and less-than-predictable feedings that occurred in the backseat of a car had a not-so-soothing effect on my sweet girl. I tried to downplay some of the fussiness as just business as usual, until the complete meltdown at 3pm.

I will always remember holding my baby and just crying from guilt and fear because she was inconsolable; sitting next to her and not being able to comfort her through her screams (with real tears and everything) because we were in a BARELY moving car (#&#@^*$ing Holland Tunnel!) and I was too scared to take her out of her car seat. It all ended with a stupid fight with my husband, which cut our shopping trip short (or rather, nonexistant) and a horrifying hour-plus ride home where she wailed and cried the whole way. I can't believe I was so incredibly stupid as to think a day-long excursion after her first set of shots was a good idea?!?!

Now, with her chubby little body laying against mine for the last few hours, I still don't quite have enough perspective to write it off as one of those days. My induction into the world of mommy guilt is complete: I realize now that no matter what little tragedies befall us, I will always blame myself. And that doesn't even feel irrational. She's the most precious thing I will ever be given; how can every misstep, every miscalculation, every minute mistake not be magnified into an epic parenting fail that will replay over and over again in my mind?

2008-11-30T11:01:00.002-05:00

On Being Thankful

In a brazen affront to my Canadian heritage, I think I'm going to go with this whole Thanksgiving-in-November thing. Now, now. I know...it's unnatural. Obscene, even. In fact it throws my whole compass of right and wrong, good and evil, etc etc, out of whack. I can only plead peer pressure as a defense. I mean...defence! Sorry!!

I do find that having Thanksgiving closer to Christmas can help lend a bit of much-needed gravitas to the entire holiday season. And truly, I'm the last person to generally feel sentimental over occasions that are, to me at least (as the child of immigrants), sort of "borrowed" holidays. Like that trendoid shirt you picked up years ago that never quite fits or looks right no matter how much you try to "make it work."

For the first time ever, though, I feel like I actually understand the sheer enormity (for lack of a better word) of my incredible good fortune. It was like being jolted into another dimension, as twee as that sounds. Like many others in my profession, I'm inclined to be sort of moody and contemplative and deeply enmired in my inflated sense of self-importance (even though I do often try to confront myself with what a tiny, insignificant being I really am - truly!). There aren't too many moments of utter clarity of the sort I've recently had, starting with a little meme I read on an online forum I frequent called something like "2008: good or bad?" I have to say that I was honestly affected by all the stories...everything from deaths, layoffs, infertility, divorce. Sometimes multiples of these events happening to the same people. And I realized right there that I have never had so many bad things happen to me that I could characterize the whole year as "bad."

Don't get me wrong...I feel like I've experienced hardship in life, including poverty and stress and loneliness. But at this time, most of that is a distant memory. Even though I've never really stopped to think on it seriously before, my life right now is so full and so charmed. I won't even try to do it justice by trying to enumerate all of my big and little blessings. Just suffice to say that I feel more than a little shame for coveting as much as I do. We have our jobs (mine that allows me to take months off with full pay to be with my Piglet), our friends, our health...and perhaps most importantly, we have the amazing good fortune to live safe and secure. The news over the last few days has been so sickening that I could barely open the news sites to see the images of the utter carnage in India. There was also an editorial in the NY Times today describing acid attacks on women in Bangladesh and Afghanistan who dare to divorce their husbands, or go to school, or act in other uppity ways. As a woman of East Indian descent, now with a small daughter, these stories are especially chilling...there but for the grace of God. I now realize how I've been building away at my life with the happy obliviousness of someone who has never had to worry much for her safety or her savings or her daughter's ability to become anything she wants.

I know I said I wasn't enumerating, but have to throw in that I'm incredibly thankful for a motivated, kind, involved husband whose valiant efforts at bouncing the baby have allowed this blog post to happen...love you baby! And thanks.

;)

2008-11-25T08:19:00.002-05:00

It only took six and a half weeks...

But here's the first of I hope many little letters to Piglet. Second if you count her birth story, really! (My apologies to those of you who don't drop by for tortured chronicles of poop and sleep deprivation...will get back to your regularly scheduled programming soon!) While part of me feels like she's always been here and I've been playing at this mommy thing forever, I know this time will just slip through my fingers if I let it. Already the storm of amateur photography has quieted around here. Which is bad! Even though her development feels so natural and, dare I say it, "organic," right now, I don't want to look back and be like, whoa, where did this toddler come from?

So, Piglet! I'm grateful that you're even giving me a brief moment to type this out. Not that you don't oblige me with lots of sleep on most days, but you're terribly unpredictable. Sometimes you unilaterally decide that, nah, you don't need no steenken sleep, and do nothing but catnap all day long. Other days, like yesterday, you take loooong deep sleeps. Right now you look like you're asleep but are squirming something fierce. It almost looks like you're fighting some invisible enemy in your sleep. Sometimes you do that when you've passed out on my boob - punching and flailing while latched. Funsies!

Life is nothing if not simultaneously unremarkable and amazing at the same time right now. We (unfortunately?) spend pretty much every day almost identically: parked on the couch and alternating between feedings, little breaks in the swing while I frantically try to put together dinner, naps, "chats" in your primitive baby babble, tv, internet (okay, the last two are for me). It's been an unseasonably frigid and wet November and I don't feel so good taking you out, especially since the last few times you've treated me to a tantrum whether in your stroller or carrier. I'll definitely have to time the next maternity leave better so as not to span over the winter! But even as each day passes in its sedate way, you've already transformed in front of my very eyes from a delicate blob of newbornhood into this bright little thing with the beginnings of a real personality and some marked preferences. I always thought I'd be saddened at how quickly you were growing - and there is a bit of that - but I'm also so excited at what's to come. The thought of being able to actually talk to you and have you understand...sit you down at the dinner table...take you to Tiffany's to pick out your first set of earrings (okay, the last is for me)...it's really exciting!

The latest area of exciting progress is sleep, although I'm half scared to even write this down! Since we'd brought you back from the hospital you'd made it abundantly clear that you were Unimpressed with swaddling, and we'd backed off. Well, sorry, but we take it back :). After weeks of bleary eyed mornings, following long nights of your random sporadic wakings and bouts of inconsolable crying, we tried the swaddle again and it makes a world of difference to your sleep. We even invested in the "Miracle Blanket," a/k/a baby straightjacket. Not that you don't absolutely hate the thing, and spend a long time struggling and screeching, but once you're in it and asleep, zomg...heaven! Last night you slept from 11:30 to 5:30 without even waking for a feed. Incroyable! See? It'll cure what ails ya. Except that you haaaaate it! Haha. When we took it off you the first time you immediately threw your fists up by your ears like Rocky. VICTORY! It's a little surprising as the "experts" say that babies all eventually love the swaddle but you've remained firm so far. I have a bit of grudging respect for that - you're a strong willed little creature. Maybe we'll still get you on the Supreme Court even though your daddy didn't let me name you Eleanor.

Love, Ma

xoxoxo

2008-11-14T16:06:00.002-05:00

Yoooooohoooooo....

Yah! That's right! I'm back...and anointed in the happy glow of new motherhood! I'm a purdy picture with my hair "undid," not a lick of makeup on and unwaxed eyebrows. But I have a fabulously snazzy accessory in my five week old little GIRL! She's enough to make me look good! :)

Just to tidy up the last unfinished story...yes, I had the baby, obviously! I eventually ended up going almost two weeks overdue. As much as I tried to resist all the messy interventions, I had pretty much all of them, and everything culminated in an emergency c-section after 23 hours of labor. It was kind of crummy - not the surgery itself so much, but the recovery in the first few days. BUT I've been incredibly lucky since - no further complications, decent healing, lots of help from my fabulous husband and wonderful friends who are keeping me entertained and well outfitted in lovely baby stuff and cooked food. Thank you all! I actually never realized how popular I was! Hah! Or at least how popular a new baby makes you!

I wish I had some profound thoughts to share on the transformative experience of becoming a mother, but it's too soon to be waxing philosophical. Every day is so different, and every hour brings with it a totally different spectrum of emotions. Sometimes I am just frazzled. Just two days ago she decided she wasn't going to nap all day and I was a little crazy by the end of it. That night wasn't a treat, either. But since then she's actually been a bit of a peach! Some days I just look at her sweet face and it's almost like I can actually feel my heart about to burst. Other times I am so bothered and bewildered - she's just so wee and unpredictable and inscrutable. Other times I want to hold her and just cry...about what, I couldn't tell you, but it has something to do with overwhelming joy, I think! Emotion just overtakes you in the weirdest way. Much probably being hormone-related ;).

Hmmm, now has anything else interesting transpired since I disappeared into my blissfully insular maternal bubble? *ponders* Oh yeah. The world's financial system is in shambles. Horrible news! But then we elected Barack Obama president. Wonderful news! And then California banned gay marriage. Horrible news! But then Elizabeth Dole lost her Senate seat. Wonderful news! Haha. What a ride.

Anyhow - this is probably all I can squeeze out of my frazzled brain for now - but thanks to everyone who's been following our little journey so far. *wave*

2008-09-13T09:47:00.002-04:00

Day 15 of my captivity. The Madness sets in...

Naaah, I'm just keeeding! Or at least, if this is the banal servitude of forced domesticity (I am barefoot and quite pregnant at this moment, after all), I think I'm okay with it! You should see the stuff I've accomplished in the last little bit. There's been the tempest of cooking, plus the dinner I've made almost every single night, plus lots of what Josh likes to call "deep cleaning," like pulling all the DVDs out of the drawers and dusting them. Fun times, and I mean that with only a teeny bit of sarcasm. Obviously if this were my every day, all the time job, it would get pretty old pretty fast, but as a novelty it's kind of fun to play chatelaine.

I am now 13 days away from my due date, but as well-meaning people keep assuring me, this means (less than) nothing. I could go weeks later than that, or I could give birth now - or I could have already given birth and no one's told me yet. Unlike most other women I know, I'm mostly okay with still being pregnant. The "get this thing out of me" urge hasn't quite kicked in yet, probably because I've had a low-key leave so far and am keeping myself fairly well-entertained. Definitely, I'm a lot more tired than I have been, my feet are painfully swollen, my hands look like I have rubber bands tied around my wrists, and the few minutes I spent on my knees scrubbing the tub and bathroom floor yesterday were probably ill-advised. But I am proud to say I walked all the way home from the OB's at 72nd and 5th (a normally 20 minute walk that took closer to 40), so I can't be as decrepit as I fear.

Now as far as keeping oneself entertained while on leave from the office (when boozing and vigorous exercise are sadly not options, and one's husband has firmly limited the number of calls one may make to his place of employment), I have found daytime television and a mix of silly/serious reading to be quite instructive. Rediscovering one's girlish love for Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert is always time well-spent, although watching too much of The View will destroy any remaining shred of faith you have in the intelligence of your fellow citizens. Oh, and waiting a daily celebrity news show will quickly cure you of any vague addiction you think you may have to people.com. HTH!

2008-09-01T20:04:00.002-04:00

Officially off of work!

As of tomorrow, I am officially away with leave!! WOOT! For my first time in, well, ever, I am bossless! Until the sproglet arrives, of course. Expect to see some serious blogging!!

And I've already been pretty productive! I had some Ambitions for the weekend and was overall quite successful, if I do say so myself. We washed all the baby's clothes; got the room set up; picked up all the last minute stuff we need from Babies R Us; I cooked and froze blueberry muffins, cheddar cheese biscuits, one serving of pomodoro sauce and four servings worth of lasagne bolognese; and we still managed to squeeze in a sort of "last hurrah" fancy dinner at Perry St. last night. Hah! This baby thing is going to be a piece of cake! *ducks before lightening strikes*

Tomorrow, I'm hoping to keep up with the cooking/freezing roll I'm on and make some mushroom, spinach and ricotta ravioli, banana-chocolate bread and shrimp shumai. Aaaand then later in the week, pierogies, vegetarian chili, Mexican black beans, corn bread and pizza dough. Meep! I haven't cooked this much in ages and had kind of forgotten how much work it really is. I had to wash a sinkful of dishes like four times today, and Josh did a couple of his own too. This had better be worth it!

FYI, the lasagne I made tonight was AWESOME...seriously, one of the best lasagnes I've ever made. It makes six decent sized portions, when served with salad and/or bread. Enjoy!

Lasagne Bolognese

12 sheets of oven-ready lasagne (the kind you don't need to boil - trust me! It works!)
1 8 oz bag of mixed shredded Italian cheeses (Kraft is good)
1/2 cup of grated Parmesan cheese
meat sauce
Bechamel sauce
fresh basil, rolled up and snipped into little bits

Meat Sauce
2 tbsp butter
1 tbsp olive oil
2 lbs of lean ground beef
2 carrots
2 stalks of celery
1 large red onion
4 cloves of garlic
1 1/4 cup white wine
1 cup chicken stock
2 - 28 oz cans of diced tomatoes
Italian herbs to taste (I used dried bay leaves, thyme, rosemary and sage)
1 tbsp sugar

Bechamel Sauce
4 tbsp butter
3 tbsp flour
2 cups whole milk
freshly grated nutmeg

Directions

1. Make meat sauce. Start by heating butter and olive oil together. Add chopped carrots, onion, garlic and celery and saute for approximately 10 minutes.

2. Add 2 lbs ground beef and saute at medium-high temperature until no longer pink (note: you may need to drain some of the fat/liquid out). Deglaze pan with white wine and simmer until almost entirely evaporated.

3. Add canned tomatoes, chicken stock and herbs. Bring to a boil, and then decrease heat to very low setting. Cook slowly for one hour, stirring periodically.

4. Add salt, pepper and sugar. Continue to cook at low temperature for another hour. Very little of the liquid should remain by now.

5. While meat sauce is cooking, make the Bechamel (aim for about half an hour before the meat sauce is ready and if you're ready to cook the lasagne, preheat the oven to 375 F). Pour milk into microwave-safe measuring cup and nuke for 2-3 minutes, or until hot.

6. Melt butter and flour together for 1-2 minutes (lots of books will say to get NO color on the flour, but I think a sliiight toast is okay). Add hot milk to this mixture very, very slowly and whisk to avoid lumps.

7. Keep the Bechamel at a low temperature and barely simmer until thickened. Add grated nutmeg, salt and pepper.

8. You're ready to assemble the lasagne now! Use a tsp of vegetable oil to thoroughly grease a large casserole dish (you want one large enough that you can fit three pieces of lasagne side by side with room to spare, since it'll expand). Put a very small amount of meat sauce on the bottom.

9. Put down the first three pieces of lasagne. Add a layer of meat sauce, a layer of Bechamel, shredded cheese and snipped basil. Repeat this step three more times, so that you have four layers in total. Note: you probably won't need all the meat sauce, so make sure to save and freeze - you can keep at least two cups aside, I would say.

10. Sprinkle Parmesan on the top layer and wrap well with foil. Bake at 375, covered, for 30 minutes.

11. Remove foil and bake for 15 more minutes. Remove from oven and let sit for at least five minutes.

2008-08-10T09:56:00.002-04:00

My lungs are now officially walnut-sized.

It all became so clear to me this week, when I was sitting peacefully in my office, chatting on the phone and suddenly realized that I was actually slightly out of breath. Being an asthmatic, that's not a totally new feeling for me, except that it usually doesn't strike when you've been sitting in a chair for hours with no allergy symptoms or cold weather or anything to trigger it. Huh. It's a little embarrassing to be panting on a conference call, but if people can't be understanding at this point I honestly can't be arsed to explain anymore. I've fully been wearing flip flops to work all week too - feet having swollen to twice their normal size - but if I'm not going to exploit my sad condition now, when will I?? I mean, I'm still waiting for someone to offer me car service into work in the mornings, and yet nothing. Inconsiderate bastards!

I have three weeks of work left and oh, what a comforting thought that is. Aside from the physical annoyances, I just feel like the psychological break is so needed . . . just to have a bit of time to be my own little individual human unit before chaos is unleashed. Part of me can't wait to get this parenthood thing started already, but thinking rationally, the nine month waiting period makes sense! Presumably to make sure that by the end you're really, really, REALLY ready! Next time I'm going to plan this whole nesting thing a little better . . . maybe with a late fall baby, or early spring due date. Something seems a lot more right about settling into domesticity in order to welcome new life at that point, you know? Instead, I fear I'll be stuck indoors, draped over the air conditioner until Oprah's on.

Switching gears for a second - for those of you who kindly inquire after Tommy (our client on death row in Alabama - some great developments on that front. The Alabama Supreme Court granted us a stay after of all things, an inmate in another institution came forward claiming that he committed the murder that Tommy was convicted of. If I'm lying, I'm dying. As I've said a million times in total disbelief, you can't make this stuff up! We can't say where this will all go, as that Court hasn't given any instructions on what they want at this point (such as a hearing, DNA testing, whatever), but where there is life, there is hope. I'm so proud of my Team Tommy!!

2008-07-27T09:33:00.002-04:00

Oh, shit.

Has it seriously been a month since the last posting? Go ahead . . . I deserve your scorn. BUT, first, to catch you up . . . on things general and particular about being seven months pregnant, as well as petty little things from my life, of course.

1. So about being seven months pregnant. FYI? Now, it's not just jackasses who look appalled when you tell them you have a whole two months to go. No, now regular people, who generally know better, look at your belly and ask, in accents of horror, if you're really going to be getting any bigger?

2. Oh and also, when you're seven months pregnant, the assigning partner at your firm may think it's a swell time to staff you on a massive regulatory investigation/multiple class action matter. You may have heard rumors of this whole "auction rate securities" mess . . . Wall Street's latest debacle. In short, it means big-big problems for investment banks and fat-fat fees for law firm partners and long-long hours for their associates. In theory it wouldn't be such a big issue because on an individual level everyone is fairly understanding about the whole pregnancy thing, but I am also on like eight other cases . . . not to mention the fact that my death row client is scheduled for execution on Thursday. Anyway. Moral being, just as you actually start to feel shitty again, people decide that they may as well make things worse for you. Fun!

3. Getting set up for a baby is hard, y'all. I have the wonderful good fortune of having kind and generous friends and family who have been sending lovely things and supporting my online shopping habit with gift cards, and in fact had a really sweet baby shown thrown for me last week. Now I just have to make those last few purchases of Necessary Things. But with what guidance? Besides Google and mommy boards? I narrowly escaped buying a $300+ organic mattress, mostly because my husband has been threatening to separate me from my credit cards. Honestly . . . I'm not even close to the type of person who would buy an organic mattress. But then I started to think about it . . . and think about how much I had spent on my diaper bag . . . and my baby carrier . . . and my froufrou stroller . . . and my all-natural baby bath products . . . and it was like, "Am I really going to choose the neurotoxin-leaking, cancer-causing, LETHAL crib mattress just to save a couple of hundred bucks?"

4. Many popular baby books are really annoying. I picked up a few birth books that I couldn't even bring myself to finish, they were so completely inapplicable to anything I was actually interested in learning about. Apparently I haven't even gotten to the really evil ones yet - some girlfriends tell me that there are some out there that are incredibly harsh and obnoxious towards working mothers, basically implying that if you need two incomes to survive you're bad with money and should never have had kids in the first place. That particular gem was pinned on Dr. Sears, the grand poobah of crunchy parenting . . . can't say I've checked to make sure that was correct, though. I've also read that he's a conservative Christian and extremely homophobic. Some choices quotes from Becoming a Father: How to Nurture & Enjoy Your Family (which, caveat, I found online and not in the book itself):

"The growing child should see that important family matters require a mutual decision-making process that involves both mom and dad, but I believe that dad is primarily responsible for making decisions." (p. 194)

"'I don't want my son to grow up to be a pansy,' exclaimed John, a new father. His sentiments are shared by most men." (p. 200)

"I am personally concerned that our society tends to approve of lifestyles [sic!] such as homosexuality. Society sees this as an 'acceptable alternative.' I can accept a person as a homosexual without having to approve of the morality of homosexuality." (p. 208)

*shiver*

I am off now to pretend to work . . . but just to address a couple of questions that came up in comments!

1. YES, childcare is a lot more expensive here than I've ever heard of it being in Canada. I'm looking to spend around $2500 a month for daycare, $3000-4000 a month for a nanny.

2. Ohhhh whoever brought up Loblaws . . . you don't even know how lucky you are. I miss grocery shopping in the commercial equivalent of an airport hangar! I even miss Sam's Club (that's right, I said it . . . lightening's going to strike me down now, right?).

2008-06-29T08:58:00.004-04:00

Shhhh...

Trying to type quietly (?) in my living room as my mom is sleeping on the other couch. Yeah! My mom! She had been mildly threatening a visit all week but I hardly took her seriously, considering the prices of the flights (YYZ to LGA - $800!) but this determined woman got herself a connecting flight through Cleveland (aieee!) with some frequent flier points. So far I'd call it a successful visit! I've only had a few moments of meltdown hysteria, but, in my defence, I am six months pregnant, and she fusses. A lot. I was gripped with a murderous rage yesterday when she screamed - actually screamed, twice - when I got "too close" to traffic waiting to cross the street. Too close being like within eight feet.

But all in all, otherwise fairly laid back and non-controversial! She came bearing gifts of books and articles on mothering, and we had a fun mani/pedi afternoon yesterday. Then we went to one of my favorite Italian restaurants and spent my stepdad's money with abandon (thanks M!). Today I think I will convince all to head downtown for brunch at my most favoritest brunch place, which I never get to go to since it's allll the way down in the East Village, then perhaps on to some shopping, and then maybe we'll go see Wall-E tonight! That should make the husband unit happy and I only live to please him. Hee!

My mom leaves tomorrow morning and then I head in for my last four days before vacation! Sweet, sweet vacation. Thank goodness. I am so done with work for a bit. I was coasting along with lots of work, but nothing crazy pressing, until the last fire drill on Friday afternoon. Kind of two fire drills, really; in my one case, the senior associate just started really contemplating the work needed to be done for next week's depositions and thought he could take me along for his ill-planned ride once he figured out all that he wanted to get done. HAH! I am only slightly ashamed to confess that I kind of hung him out to dry on this one. But honestly! I have been bugging him about preparing for these deps for over a week and did everything I could to prepare on my own, considering his lack of focus and direction, and I am tired of having to pay the price for other people's poor planning - his in particulaire! The other drill was also directly and indisputably caused by the partner not paying particular attention to the regulator's deadline for production on our case and so, after gently reminding him of this point, I had an "urgent request" at 3pm, when I was planning to leave at 5 to meet my mom at my apartment. !!! Managed to get that done with lugging a box of documents home with me. Anyhow, surely you see my well-founded annoyance and frustration. And that's not even including the e-mail updates from all weekend about how my staff doesn't quite understand how to do basic administrative tasks. *clutching hair*

In toto, some of this stuff is making me seriously nostalgic for home (in case you don't know where that is for me, it's Canada...Toronto, specifically). I just miss...space! Parks. Having a freaking car of our own. Grocery shopping (Loblaws...waaaah) in a BIG ASSED STORE, as God in his infinite wisdom intended. Other people my age with children. A job that doesn't suck the life out of me a good 90% of the time. Family. Parking lots. Reasonably priced childcare. I know we're nowhere near ready to make a Big Life Decision like moving back yet but Manhattan can really weigh on a person...especially one used to malls.

2008-06-14T08:19:00.003-04:00

The First of the Great Parenting Debates

Pretty much everyone knows that I have a not very seekrit obsession with online forums (not chat rooms mind you - chatting hurts my head - but more like discussion rooms). Usually these forums are about a whole lot of nothing but the parenting ones are actually pretty informative and marginally a better use of my time. I still can't shake the feeling that I'm a freak of nature in comparison to a lot of the other moms on there, though...everything from where I live, to where I work, to my plans for breastfeeding and vaccinations and child care seem to fall squarely into the minority view. It doesn't make me feel unsure of myself or afraid that I'm going about this all wrong (well, not more than usual, anyway), but it does make me wonder as to how the lack of good examples ("good" in the last loaded sense; just "good" meaning an example I would actually want to follow, that fits with my life) in my life are going to impact how I end up parenting.

Right now, I have no idea what September is going to bring. That's scary enough...and then there's the issue of five and a half months later, when I need to head back into the office. I haven't sorted out the full time vs. flex time issue, or childcare beyond the first few months, or how we're going to manage with J's increasingly stupid travel requirements, etc. Perhaps naively, I have no real fears about how my marriage will be affected. I mean, I know that logically things will be different, but having had the good fortune and sense to marry a hyper-responsible, considerate and hard-working man, it's never even occured to me that he wouldn't pull his weight and more.

This article from the New York Times, however, suggests that this assumption on my part could be a wee bit over-optimistic. It's a long article, but I'd strongly recommend it to anyone who is interested in sex equality issues, especially with regard to co-parenting. It's given me a lot to think about:

increased "flexibility" in women's work being seen as the reason why she "needs" to do more around the house: the article seems to suggest that this is an issue of perception (so, regardless of what the woman actually does outside the house, the couple perceive her work to be more "flexible," whatever that means!) and perhaps even unconscious "life choiecs" and trade-offs along the way that result in the woman working a more flexible job. I would never have thought my job to be particularly flexible, but from a comparative perspective, it is. My firm is one of the few that actually allows flex-time schedules (what they privately think of it of course is another matter...). J's job, while not quite as demanding in terms of raw hours necessary, simply couldn't contemplate a part-time schedule since he's the manager.
women asserting control over the home: this isn't talked about explicitly as a control issue in the article but I think that it is, or at least it would be for me. The article is absolutely right in that, seeing that society still largely views the home and parenting as being the woman's primary responsibility, any perceived defects like the children being dressed a little funny or a messy house are assigned to being the woman's "fault." And so women are more invested in the results! Aside from that, however - and this is huge - many women take ownership over household and childcare duties because it sets them up as the "experts" in that particular area. I see it all the time on the mommy boards. Often the same women who complain about their husbands' lack of involvement in the households seem to be pretty smug about how their baby can only be comforted by mommy.
setting up roles of "master" and "apprentice": I absolutely see how this has already started! It's alarming really. J, bless him, barely still understands what we hired the $1500 doula for. Fair enough; at this point his life hasn't changed quite enough for him to be fully engaged in all of this, and I don't think that's making excuses. But I'm the one who has done the reading on the diapers we'll need, and the stroller I want, and what vaccinations are important and when sleep training should start. I just assumed he'd get up to speed once I explained it all to him and the baby was here, but have we already anticipated and accepted the "helper role" for him?

Of course, the big question that looms over all of this - assuming that such idyllic co-parenting is even possible and desirable - is now...are we really willing to play ball? This isn't just about J stepping up, of course; I'm talking about me. Would sharing the household tasks mean that I'd have to start taking out the garbage? Giving the dog his baths? Learn how to make coffee that doesn't taste like hot liquid poo? The whole thing will call for some co-effort :).

Off to post the article on the mommy boards...

2008-05-25T07:42:00.003-04:00

Week 3 of consistent blogging!

That's got to be some kind of record. But I think I've figured out the secret to all of it, and that is . . . don't feel the need to wait until you have something interesting to say. Really! People will read all kinds of your ruminating crap!

I keed, I keed. I am so amazed at and grateful for the comments, so thanks to those of you who pop by! Truly, I have no expectations that anyone will actually read this, so that's a welcome surprise. Cake for all! Or try one of these chocolate cream cheese cupcakes I made last week!

Josh and I have been home since Thursday and it's been so fab, except for the fact that I haven't really done anything I told myself I'd do. Except get a mani/pedi and go grocery shopping and catch up on Vanity Fairs. Normally perfect long weekend activities for a loser homebody like myself, but actually, the purpose of taking this time off was purportedly to purchase something for our poor, as yet unprovided-for sproglet. I shit you not when I tell you that this child has nothing to his or her name except for a onesie announcing that he or she was "Made in Mexico." Great for a giggle, but seeing that that cannot be worn anywhere outside the house, fairly limited utility.

I don't know what my aversion to buying my baby stuff is! For the first three months, granted, it's that kind of scary time and you don't want to incur the attention of the gods by stockpiling too much. Then you rationalize that you have a teensy apartment and it wouldn't make sense to start getting stuff too early. Fair enough. Then you get busy at work...then you start formulating excuses...oh wait, that's just me. Most parents are chomping at the bit to get to Babies R Us while I spend hours surfing the net and bookmarking cute stuff that I never purchase. Even Josh, who is the farthest thing from a consummate shopper, is starting to be like, "Doesn't this baby need some stuff?" I think I'm just afraid of the inevitable avalanche that's going to ensue. And also, maybe, I'm sort of in denial about the whole baby thing. Or at least the imminent arrival of said baby thing.

Today. We shop! Really. Once Josh wakes up (we're lucky if it's 9am these days), I drink my coffee, eat, do my cardio and Pilates DVD, eat, check my e-mail obsessively, eat and formulate a plan of attack. Hopefully starting with brunch...

2008-05-17T15:15:00.004-04:00

Springy sunshine on a Saturday morning...and the hater-ade is on tap!

Life is so good. My darling husband, gone off to the nether regions of the world for the last six days (a/k/a Toronto, Ontario), has returned to our dusty and haphazardly maintained abode and is sleeping sweetly on the couch. And yet the dog is napping next to me! Hah! The cat is asleep on the dining room table and meanwhile, no one is sleeping in the chichi dog bed purchased only last week.

By 1pm this afternoon, I had already gotten a lovely 75 minute prenatal massage at Bliss in Soho, bought myself some new goodies from Sephora and maternity wear from - le gasp - The Gap, and visited a bag that I thought I wanted at Banana Republic. Sadly, upon seeing the bag in real life, it was immediately obvious that it was Just Not On. The thing is significantly larger than my torso (yes - even pregnant)! But otherwise, a lovely morning, and when Josh got in we took a little stroll down Second Avenue and had brunch at our favorite French restaurant. Hence the napping, bien sur.

Nerds love Saturdays. Now you know. Why? Well, the Saturday Times, of course! Already two gems and I haven't even worked my way through the Style section yet. The first article just pulled at my heartstrings, and yes, you know me so well, it's about food. Farmer's markets in San Francisco, to be precise...it's like this Sharon Otterman woman has a direct window into my soul. *sigh* And she's whispering, "Leave your fugly and frigid East Coast life...come frolic in the Ferry Building, where the Acme sourdough loaves are always fresh and the Cowgirl Creamery is just a few steps away...You could just stop in on your way back to your palatial abode in Sausalito..." *whimper* I would pick up my life and move to San Francisco for the food alone in an instant. Ocean schmocean. People who wax rhapsodic about French food have never been to California, simple as that. Culinary Philistines, really.

The other article is just funny because it's a little window into my future. Park Slope: Where is the Love? is a delightful reminder that while I may have narrowly missed the one way ticket into the suburbs of New Jersey, I am still "twee"! A cliche! Have husband...dog...soon baby...off to Park Slope we go come September when the lease our current Upper East Side pad is up. By way of background, Park Slope is an increasingly ridiculous little neighborhood in Brooklyn of all places that has, in recent years, become the place to be for yuppies and their designer dogs and overscheduled offspring. It's hilarious because, as the article points out...this is Brooklyn. A couple of years ago no one would even come to a party at your house if you lived in Brooklyn. When you hail a cab to go there you still have to be half apologetic when you tell the driver your destination. Personally, I've been there about 10 times in two years, mostly for court appearances.

Park Slope in particular is achingly fashionable and correspondingly expensive. The type of apartment that we'll need will cost about $3500 a month (really, a total bargain, compared to any desirable neighborhood in Manhattan...but still!). But despite my best laid plans the outcome is inevitable. We are a stereotype. And painfully uncool.

2008-05-11T08:26:00.002-04:00

Alright simmer down. I know. I'm not going to go around announcing the resurrection of this blog until blogging has been re-establish-ethed. And of course I don't have any reason as to why I stopped the last time around. Got bored...of myself, I guess. Especially since my updates would literally have been like, "Worked 14 hour day. Came home. Husband was asleep. Dog ignored me." for months on end. As for the reasons for re-starting, well, I have to give credit to my friend Megan and her endlessly entertaining pregnancy blog...and also since I am hopeless at the "pregnancy journal" thing, this will essentially accomplish the same thing.

Anyway, yes, that's right, I'm pregnant - due in September! I'm still a little stunned by it myself. I honestly didn't even really believe it until my upper stomach started protruding and I was like, "OK...that cannot be fat (unlike Lower Stomach Situation). Right??" Now, unless something very odd is happening to my digestive system, there's really no mistaking the sensations in there. It's a little alien life form kicking up his or her feet! Very cool. In about a week's time I've have one of the final ultrasounds and get to take a better look at all of his or her little appendages and stuff. I may even be inclined to share pics, so bewarned if the contents of my uterus aren't something you'd like to take a gander at over your morning bialy.

Today my plans consist of entertaining myself with a girls' brunch at my friend L's house and then coming back here to...work. Josh just left for a six day business trip (!) to Canada and so I am free to work allll afternoon and allll evening and allll night if I really really want to. I figure, though, that the re-commencement of blogging may force me to do more things. Just out of shame if nothing else! Like, "I can't go blogging about the three hours I spent comparing strollers today. Let's go to the Guggenheim!" Hee!

2007-06-30T09:40:00.001-04:00

I've said it before and I'll say it again

I'm a shitty blogger. Don't judge me, I have an excuse, and I won't even patronize you by saying I've been too busy. I've just been too boring. The whole point of the blog was to share the fabulousness of my NYC lifestyle. Well, small obstacle in that my lifestyle ain't so fabulous. It's pretty much exactly the same life that every other normal person in the country lives, except with more work, more tedium and it's more expensive.

Okay, I'm exaggerating a leetle. It's been a busier summer than I expected it to be and this month Josh and I both had to travel on business and then went home to Toronto for a few days, but it's not like we've had no fun. The summer associates are here, which is pretty awesome. All the major NY law firms, investment banks, consulting firms, etc, hire summer interns as a recruiting tactic. They are expected to do some work, but mostly, we bring them over from all over the world to spend millions of dollars on them in desperate hope that they will neglect to notice the pale, pudgy, demoralized faces of the "real" associates who work at the firm and
decide to join the firm full time once they graduate from law school because it is just sew, sew fabulous to be a NY lawyer.

Okay, I'm being bitter again. Point being that with the summer associates come summer budgets to do things like eat at the swankiest restaurants, drink at the snootiest bars and manicure and pedicure ourselves to death. I've been on a healthy diet of a mani/pedi a week, checking out all the city's spas, and billing it to the firm. Life could probably be worse. Maybe.

Other than that, we've had the regular rout of social engagements and shopping and dog-centered activities that make up our life. I had a dinner party for Monsieur le French Chef et sa femme! I think it went pretty well, although clearly nothing close to his calibre of stupendousness. Before that I had a girls' brunch at my place and got totally tanked by 11am, which is always a good time. Going home to Toronto for my brother's graduation was lovely - I met my little half-sister for the first time.

More than anything I've found myself longing for a more domestic existence, though. I'm home so little and I love my home so much - my pets and my hubby and my books and my kitchen and my TV! This 700 square foot place is my favourite place to be on the weekends, which contributes a lot to my lame existence, but I can't regret it too much. We're thinking seriously about buying a place here but that raises so many serious questions about ourselves and our future that I usually get too frustrated and put it out of mind. Like, do we want to commit to a small condo in the city, and thereby commit to an insane mortgage that will force me to work at a really high paying and possibly miserable job for years and years? Or, should we move out of the city, spend a little less, but commit to a soul-crushing commute? Do we even want to live in NY for a few more years at all?

See what I mean? This isn't entertainment, it's mindless rumination. Sorry to disappoint! I promise to be back soon with some fun times. Maybe even a pic or two!

2007-05-06T09:59:00.000-04:00

Best Dinner Party Evar.

And I didn't even host it! *sob* A few weeks ago I met up with Josh and some of his co-workers at a bar, where I met his friend Jason, a recruiter from HR. We got to talking and he casually mentioned that he happens to also be a classically trained French chef. Whaaaa? I fully thought he was tormenting me but it's true!! He also invited us over for dinner for the next night but seeing that he was half in the bag by then we just laughed at him and told him to call us over for another time.

So it was last night! And fortuitously he and his wife live like five blocks from us. Armed with a bottle of red and white, we show up, not knowing what to expect because he's kept it all sooper seekrit from Josh. And oh my gosh...every single meal I'll ever made has been put to SHAME!

We started with a glass of Prosecco and spiced olives. That's cool, something I'd likely do. Then we are called to a beautifully laid out table, poured a glass of white and the first course comes out!! It was a beautiful little portion of goat cheese nestled in puff pastry, surrounded by mache lettuce, roasted grape tomatoes and minced black olives. It was so perfectly flavoured and portioned, and just so beautiful on an oversized white plate. Already I'm thinking, shit!! I can't serve this guy butternut squash lasagna when he comes over! :)

People...he served a five course dinner!! By himself!! His wife just entertained us while Jason popped in and out of the kitchen. Truly amazing. The next course was a gorgeous little espresso cup presentation of polenta, fricasse of wild mushrooms (with the most adorable little baby enokis!), topped with more goat cheese. Incredible!! Then we had stunning little portions of seared tuna with an aromatic crust, pea shoots and this amazing spiced oil. Everything was so perfectly portioned that you could eat the whole course and not feel entirely stuffed. The final savory course was paparadelle with braised short ribs and fresh chives...aaah. By this point, though, I was fading and couldn't finish, and damn it hurt to have to leave anything on the plate. Even dessert, despite my valiant efforts, went largely uneaten by me...it was a strawberry-rhubarb clafoutis with vanilla ice cream with one of the best crusts I've ever tasted.

Suffice to say...this is the best meal I've ever had at someone's house. He clearly has the advantage of the French training but it's totally inspired to step up my own game! I'm already plotting the amazing things I'll have to make when he and his wife come over! *off to stalk RBM's food blog*

2007-04-12T07:14:00.000-04:00

An exercise in sloth, more like...

I have a dreadful confession, which will come as no surprise to anyone who actually knows me...but drat! It's so hard to say out loud.

I am completely non-functional without my husband. I don't know how it is that I got to this point because surely I would have been mortified and put a stop to it had I been aware of it! Right?? I can't move from A to B without asking him where he put my stupid thingy...I have no idea how much we have in our accounts until he tells me to cool it with the spur of the moment drugstore sprees...I would be halfway into collections by now if he didn't know when to pay That Outrageous AmEx Bill. It's gotten to the point where every time I open my mouth to say "Hey, where's my..." he just cuts me off with "Did you LOOK for it??" The latest in my sordid tale of dependency is that I am making him wake me up to go to the gym now. Because an alarm clock just wouldn't work, now would it? No, because I'd just ignore the stupid thing. I ignore Josh, too, but he's supposed to try a few times! He also has coffee ready for me too because there's no way I'm doing anything without it at the crack of dawn. Anyway, long story short, the process malfunctioned this morning and somehow I woke up at 6:30. And then it was just too depressing to work out! It's all raining and grey out and no one would haved noticed my post-workout fabulousness anyway. Bah. Looks like I have a few more weeks of hiding under baggy clothes anyways, judging from the hideousness of the elements.

Things have been more or less tolerable since my return from Houston, although I did have to work on Good Friday. *grumble grumble* But in happy, happy news, we're taking a much needed vacation to California! Northern, of course, so it's not exactly bikini weather (as if I'd be caught dead in one anyway), but it's San Francisco! And wine country! We're doing the whole cheesy tourist schtick, including a renting a convertible and riding bikes over the rolling hills of Sonoma. It'll probably be way too cold to put the top down, and we'll be far too drunk to bike, but dammit, we'll have done it. I've never even been out to the West Coast. Isn't that obscene?? I'm seekritly hoping Josh falls in love with it and insists we move out there. :)

2007-03-23T09:02:00.000-04:00

Way to ruin a good run, right? I think this is the biggest gap between posts for a while!

Basically my professional life just went into a full-on meltdown mode in the last month. We had asked the court for an adjournment in the upcoming Houston trial that was (shockingly, to us anyway) denied, and so we had to go hurtling into the biggest class action in history with a few weeks' preparation. Totally insane! I basically moved into work - in the last week I billed 113 hours in seven days, including three days of working 19, 17 and 22 hours. When the actual preparation was over, I had to start preparing myself for a move to Houston, which I patched together in about a day with the help of some wardrobe boxes and a very patient husband.

Then Monday morning I board a plane for Houston, land in the early afternoon and head to pick up my luggage. While I'm standing there waiting for my bag, I'm flipping through all my e-mails and receive a new one on my Blackberry from one of the partners on the case. He's attached the text of a decision from the Fifth Circuit and a terse message: "Reversed and remanded." Those three words changed everything. For anyone who is interested in the actual legal import, you can Google "Fifth Circuit" and "Enron" (it's been all over the news), but in a nutshell - we've pretty much won without having to step foot into the courtroom. The Fifth Circuit basically said that our client could not be held liable in the way that the plaintiff was alleging and now, barring more procedural shenanigans and/or intervention by the U.S. Supreme Court, it is over. It's over! I didn't quite know what to do standing there at the airport, so I figured, I'm definitely going to stick around for the party! And party I did, for two days...oof, that was one painfully hung over flight home on Wednesday morning. Now I'm basking in two glorious days off before heading back to the office on Monday. Having no idea of what's in store, of course...I could be put on another case right away or get a brief reprieve. But anyway, that's the sordid tale of where I've been.

Sorry, I know it's not a real glimpse into my glamorous life ;). But for better or worse...this is what I do and why they pay me the big bucks! But now that New York is blooming into a reluctant spring and my entire future doesn't look blighted by this trial in Houston, there could be some interesting things around the corner. Including things like...vacations! And weekends off!

2007-02-17T10:22:00.000-05:00

What's with the 'tude...

About etiquette? Seriously? As if using the right fork and stationery were ever meant to be so inflammatory!

Of course...anyone who knows anything about etiquette would know that it's hardly about cutlery and inner envelopes. It's about respect, courtesy, graciousness, thoughtfulness, generosity...all those things that never go out of style and are not only things that miserable old biddies with wagging fingers care about.

One issue that particularly interests me is how people who are anti-etiquette have been successful as recasting it as a class issue. I guess that's not surprising when harpies like these get play in the popular media (they had good advice in some cases but honestly, the pearl-clutching, modern martini-eschewing, Sinatra-worshipping really grated on me). I don't care about white after Labour Day, I care about good manners, and it's such a crying shame that some people seem to think that only snobby people would concern themselves with being mannerly. There is one particular poster on a forum who I would dearly love to slap, hard. She keeps screeching about how etiquette was made up by rich people and how she loves to rub her "poverty" in their faces by doing crass things. ??? As if etiquette finds poverty to be crass! What's crass is people straining to live beyond their means and expecting other people to bankroll it. There is no shame in living and entertaining simply...I would have far more respect for someone who had a lovely dessert and coffee wedding reception for everyone they wanted there than someone who felt that they had to make a big splash at a fancy hotel and then asked for cash gifts and asked me to pay for my own drinks and dinner after they clearly B-listed me.

2007-02-14T06:56:00.000-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day!

Reading over yesterday's post, I realized two things. One, that was a crazy jumble of unconnected thoughts...and two, I forgot to mention something kind of cool that happened last week. I was admitted to the bar! I am actually a lawyer now, licensed to practice in New York, appear in state court, give advice and all...and in more realistic (and immediately likely) terms, I get my own business cards and finally get to use firm letterhead to write my letters.

I'm sure some of you are like "What?? You haven't been a lawyer all this time?" It's a loooong, drawn out process! First you graduate from law school, then you write the bar exam plus an ethics exam, then you fill out a painful application and send them eleventy million references, then you show up for a character and fitness "interview", THEN, if nothing's screwed up along the way, you take the oath of office and tada. Done.

And now, for fun times, pictures of Fergus the dog.

2007-02-13T21:35:00.000-05:00

It seems as though winter is finally gracing us with her presence, just in time for Valentine's Day tomorrow. A majorly shitty thing about NYC? You don't "get" snow days. If the subway's still working, you're going to work. Still, it's okay, it'll be nice to visit the flowers Josh sent me at work today! They were some beautiful lillies...my favorite! Can't wait to see if they've opened up and to smell their springy goodness!

Things have been mercifully quiet although work is definitely gearing up in preparation for the April start date of our trial (although we recently filed a motion for adjournment...pray that we get a decision soon!). We are now starting 9:30am conference calls to keep the partners abreast of what we're working on. Bleeeurgh.

Fergus is growing by leaps and bounds and actually going outside to potty now!! We took him for his first walks, all over the Upper East Side this weekend. He went to Petco and sniffed many a dog's butt. Good times. At first he was wrenching and pulling and scurrying all over the place - it took us like ten minutes to walk three blocks! - but he was in better shape on the way home. The guy loves attention - gotta give him that. People keep stopping and fussing over him and he eats it up shamelessly. It's the perfect amount of physical activity in the winter, really!

I just had to go to a new salon for an appointment this last weekend and I found myself in a stunning part of the Upper East Side I'd never seen before. Who knew? Madison in the upper 50's...stunning! Bitter jealousy-inducing! My salon was in the Fuller Building, adjacent to a Prada (but of course). That's the stuff fantasies of Manhattan are made of...art deco buildings, fabulousy expensive boutiques and couturiers, tree lined streets, yellow cabs and sleek Lincoln towncars and limos lounging outside the Hermes nonchalantly. Reality, of course, is jockeying for position on the 4 train in the morning, trying not to have your butt get too close to the pervy looking guy behind you and praying hard that the next sudden stop or lurch doesn't send you sprawling.

I did some really good pro bono work today. Not that I don't love my other cases, but they're more like your standard issue litigation which will go on and on and on until I'm dead and the worms are eating me. This was a Wills Clinic shift at the New York Presbyterian Hospital, where we draft and execute estate planning documents for indigent AIDS patients. We executed a will, power of attorney and health care proxy for two clients today. It's great work in that you get to see results almost immediately when you hand those documents over...but wow, so weird to sit there and talk to someone really calmly about their funeral arrangements and have them be an imminent reality. Not necessarily super imminent, of course, as AIDS patients can live very long and mostly healthy lives nowadays, but still. We actually have done bedside visits for very ill clients. This time was the ceremonial/formal parts of document execution (a lot of signing, legalese, notarizing, etc) but next time I'd like to do a first interview and actually discuss estate planning.

Oh, forgot to mention, almost. I went to my first New York City Ballet performance at the Lincoln Center last week. It was really so lovely. A huge perk of my job is getting free tickets to hockey games (Josh went the week before) and other cultural events. As much as I love the arts, it's not really in the New Regime (i.e.: living on a budget) to pay $80 a ticket for me to see this stuff on my own.

2007-02-03T09:27:00.000-05:00

Blissful quiet...9:30 on a Saturday morning, Josh is at the gym, the dog's in his crate and all's well with the world.

Uneventful week on this front. I ate like utter crap and will continue this trend into tomorrow with my Super Bowl party. I've actually been avoiding one of my favourite blogs (MrBunsRocks', for those of you who haven't checked it out) because she recently conducted a Vegan Week experiment and I'm sure she's brimming with stories of her virtuousness. I, on the other hand, have carb bloat and my butt hurts from sitting squarely on it all week. I fully plan to work out when I get back from this morning's meeting with our investment advisor (hee! I feel so grown up) while watching 10 Things I Hate About You and reading last month's Vanity Fair. That's after we swing by the Crate & Barrel at Madison & 59th to pick up a few party supplies for tomorrow.

Work's been fairly lame. I had a bit of a meltdown this week where I decided I was going to another firm because people at my firm are Sew Meen. Then I calmed down after talking to my friend who is a fourth year at my firm. Honestly, people aren't really so much mean as they are...well, busy. No one really has time to look out for the juniors. It sucks, but I guess part of being "grown" is sucking up the little disappointments and as Lizzy would put it, putting on your big girl panties and dealing with it. Sometimes I think I'm just too soft and squishy for BigLaw. Thank god I'm not in corporate, where the super cold and uncaring bastards are. Litigators tend to have more humanity about them. On the Houston front, an appellate court will be hearing an important issue in my case next week and hopefully shortly after that we'll know if the case is going to go ahead more or less as scheduled. Wouldn't that be hilarious...my New York-based blog all of a sudden turns into The Trials and Tribulations of a Baby Lawyer in Podunk, Texas. With shining examples of literary genius in such entries as "Had Taco Bell for lunch today. Awfully hot out. This hotel bed's pretty comfortable...you know...as far as hotel beds go."

I've spent way too much time on the Internet lately, particularly at a Canada-based wedding board which I was supposed to have left a long, long time ago. It reminds me of home, so much, and there are some sweet and smart people on there, although sometimes I really have to give my head a shake and remind myself about why I "left" in the fall. There's this really pervasive attitude on there that if you don't subscribe to the school of "It's YOUR wedding! Do what YOU WANT!" then you're an evil judgmental bitch. I used to flinch against that epithet - judgmental - but honestly, I'm beginning to wonder if the negative connotations of the word have overtaken the fundamental meaning behind it. Because really, what are we without judgment? I don't judge people for essentially harmless practices that I think are just silly (such as vow renewals - another topic of discussion at a different forum) - but I come down harder on other things that I find inconsiderate or as my first year philosophy prof called it, actions that are "Other-regarding". Like, I just can't believe that it has to be explained that one's guests should be told whether they are witnessing a "wedding", based on common societal expectations and the bare definition of the word, or what is essentially a "commitment ceremony", particularly where they're flying their asses out to Mexico to attend. And the people who justify not disclosing this salient fact do so on such grounds as "the guests might not take it as seriously if they knew it wasn't a legal wedding." ?!? So you get to make that decision for them? I think somewhere along the line brides have been fed this nauseating idea that the day is All About Them. In a basic, obvious sense, yes, of course the day is about the couple and their love, etc, but to me, the principles of hospitality still trump. When you're inviting people to share that day (which is pretty integral to the process, otherwise you wouldn't invite anyone!), their comfort and enjoyment takes priority. But try telling a forum full of single-minded brides this and you're the nasty "harsh" judgmental pariah. Hooey.

Okay, enough of that. I know a lot of girls from there read here, and I don't want to offend anyone, but it does get frustrating that the discourse can be so incredibly one-sided. Who knows, if I'd spent tens of thousands on my wedding, I'd probably have gotten quite single-minded myself. I can only hope Miss Manners would have kept me grounded ;).

I should get moving. Hey - best of luck to you, Ali, if you're reading! (Ali's my brother, who is writing the LSAT next week...hopefully I haven't totally terrified you with my whining about law...you'll be great.)

2007-01-27T08:23:00.000-05:00

Funny how I always have the urge to blog when absolutely nothing's been going on. Now for a change I actually have news to share, which was supposed to be the purpose of this blog, as opposed to being a place to ruminate when I'd finished the internet! So here's a juicy (well - as far as my life goes) update.

We got a puppy!!
We've been talking about it for a while but I kept resisting because I thought it would be way too much work. A few weeks ago, though, my officemate N got a little Puggle and things seemed to be going really well. Her husband is a consultant, so they also have wonky hours, but with the assistance of a puppy-visiting service, they make it work. So...we were at the pet store last week getting Olivia groomed and just "happened" (nice work there, Josh) to be there when they brought in the puppies for the Adoption Hour. We fell in love with a 10 week old little guy, who they told us was a Shepherd mix, but on further examination now looks kind of like a Boxer/Lab mix.

Anyway, without further ado, here's Fergus!

You'll see why we can't "make" him for any particular breed. Apparently he's going to be big, though, because of the size of his paws. He's got a ton of energy - he's really sweet and loving and playful - and pretty smart, too. He's been hitting the pee pad about 80% of the time. There's a weird New York City thing about how dogs can't go outside until they've had all of their shots because they could catch an airborne disease, so he's being potty trained inside the house. We have a puppy visitor who comes every day at around 1:30 to play with him for half an hour. Eventually he'll start going out for a two hour walk every day. Right now he and the cat seem to have come to an uneasy truce. Poor guy - he just wants to play and stalks her (playfully) all over the apartment - and she's having none of it.

I got a raise!
Well...I personally didn't. But salaries at the New York law firms just went up! The way it works is that one firm will raise, and then all the rest have to match. Squeee for capitalism and golden handcuffs!

Okay in all seriousness though - my whole sense of money is going to be skewed for life. Going from scrounging for dollars while waiting tables to almost $200K USD for my first job?? $15K raises that drop out of the sky?? I should be thrilled - and I am, really - but it's making me almost more paranoid than ever. Isn't that weird? It's my naturally suspicious and pessimistic nature. It's like - this can't last! And it can't, of course, there's no way I could do this job for years upon years, which is why I've put us on such an aggressive saving schedule. We're putting away $31,000 (the IRS's maximum for tax free contributions) away for retirement and then $3000 per month into investments for a down payment on a property. But you know what's disgusting?? It's not enough! A decent 2-bedroom condo in Brooklyn is going to run us around $700,000, so even if we somehow manage to scare up $100,000 for a down payment, taking out a $600,000 mortgage makes me sick to my stomach. Even at a decent interest rate that's like $5000 a month, not including general costs of upkeep!

Honestly, I don't know how people do it nowadays. My next big dream is moving to California in a couple of years. I'd always sort of assumed I'd work at this firm for two years and then move on to something more manageable for the long-term, start having kids, etc. A cursory look at properties in the San Francisco area - $700,000ish again for tiny little detached homes. It's unbelievable - how do people live in these places?? I mean this is supposed to be a starter home for us. Why does anything decent cost a million dollars? And it's disgusting to be complaining because financially I can hardly complain. We're already in a better place than most of our friends in Canada (note: compared to our friends here in NYC, we're poor. Seriously. Almost all of my girlfriends at the firm are married or engaged to other lawyers, investment bankers, and hedge fund employees.) But whatever income level you're at it's never nice to think you can't achieve your goals in whatever arbitrary time horizons you'd set for yourself.

People who read this blog probably think I'm obsessed with money :/. Unfortunately I think I kind of am - I've made some choices along the way that probably haven't been for the best in the sense that I traded off a lot of things that are important to me for short-term gain. That's not to say it's necessarily a bad decision - too early to tell - but it's hard not to think of what could have been had I thought more about the long term when I was deciding what to do with my life. I live in this incredible city but it's just not doing anything for me. Maybe (hopefully??) it's just winter blahs and the general uncertainty about what's happening with my job (with the possible upcoming move to Houston for the Enron trial!) and what I'm going to do next. I feel like while people around me are making decisions and plans for the future I'm still waiting for my real life to begin - subjecting my poor husband to this too! Argh.

Hopefully I'll follow with more cheerful news shortly :). Saturday morning are Josh's budgeting time so usually by now I'm ready to crawl back into bed with a bottle of vodka.

2007-01-14T09:42:00.000-05:00

The promised leisurely update...and damn, it's a long one

Could anything be nicer than waking up on a Sunday morning and not having anywhere to go immediately? I used to cringe at the word "homebody" because it just sounded so lame. Like something nerds would describe themselves as to validate the fact that they had nowhere cool to go. But honestly? I think I'm ready to own the word. At some point I must make it to the gym, the grocery store and Banana Republic so Josh can use his shiny new gift certificate, but other than that we're free agents. And to add to the deliciousness, tomorrow's a holiday as well - Martin Luther King day here in the U.S. I just asked Josh what we'll be doing and he said "Nothing." Sweet.

I should probably say something about last weekend, right? Where I took my second vacation day in the four months I've been working? It was pretty cool - my friend Lizzy came to visit from New Hampshire and we had a really relaxing three days. On Friday evening, we went for manicures, pedicures, and then dinner at our favorite local restaurant with Josh. Saturday we left the house at a respectable 10am (ish) and took a ride on the Staten Island ferry as our one concession to the NYC Tourist Experience. It's actually a commuter ferry that some really unfortunate people take every single day to get to their homes on unfortunate Staten Island. I'm really sorry if I'm offending any Islanders reading this but good god, that is one ugly ass place. Still, it was fun to see the city skyline and sail on past the Statue of Liberty, which I've never really seen up close, and the weather was absolutely insanely gorgeous, so we stood out on deck and felt positively summery.

After that we swung by Century 21, which I'm sure I've mentioned here before (discount designer store downtown) where I tantalized Lizzy with the prospect of getting to fiercely elbow tourists in there, as the place is a zoo and a half. But so weirdly - the place was completely dead! Total let-down. Anyway, we browsed a bit and caught a glimpse of the Word Trade Center site outside, as it's right across the street. Neither of us were really up to getting up close and personal with it, especially since the place is crawling with tourists taking pictures of themselves with the site. Seriously. We stopped in really briefly at this ancient Episcopalian church right by the site - St. Paul's. There were tombstones from like the early 1700's. It's always so lovely to stumble upon little pieces of your city's history so inadvertantly. The site tells me that it's the oldest public building in continuous use in Manhattan, and was home to a significant relief effort after the September 11 attacks.

We were running kind of tight on time since we needed to be back at my place by around 5 for a small party I was throwing that night. Thankfully our cleaning lady had been in the day before and I tasked Josh with the last minute clean-up before I arrived. It's harder than you'd think, trying to get food for a party ready when you're also out all day! Anyway, we went exploring the West Village for two stores in particular - Amy's Bread and Rocco's pastry shop. From the former we got a baguette, delicious rosemary bread and an olive loaf. From the latter I got what looked like and was described to me as an Oreo cheesecake. When we actually ate it later it was orange flavored. Kind of unexpected, but not bad by any means (except for my one friend - let's call her Mel - who called it "weird"...more on her later!). After that we stopped in at Crate & Barrel where I found none of the things I needed and then flew home on the subway. All in all a pretty fun night - people came at around 8 and cleared out about 1 or so. This is what I served:

fresh, homemade guacamole and chips
store bought hummus and roasted eggplant with crackers and carrot sticks
store bought turkey meatballs and sweet & sour sauce
a cheese plate (gouda, triple creme brie and goat cheese) with the breads described above
store bought sweet potato chips
nectarines and honeydew melon
the main dish - homemade macaroni and cheese
homemade cookies brought by C and that Oreo cheesecake

Everyone seemed really happy with the food, except for Mel, who planted herself in the kitchen early on in the night and proceeded to tell me what I was doing wrong, that all my ingredients were icky, that I shop at a dirty grocery store and some of my food choices creeped her out!! Even Josh was like what the hell?! She was also rude to some of my other guests by making judgey comments about "cheap" restaurants and contradicting things that they know about NYC. Unbelievable! I'm still actually pissed off and this happened a week ago.

Otherwise the party was fun, we had a ton of wine and we ate ten times as much as was good for us. The next morning we got our slightly hung over asses out of bed and visited the Frick museum for a few hours. We stopped at Central Park for a hot dog afterwards and then strolled over to the Met. Both are fabulous art museums, both in their own way. The Frick is a majestic building that was once a private residence, filled with mostly portraits. The Met is far more institutional, much larger, with a greater variety of art. Loved them both. We got back, crashed and ordered Chinese food.

Monday was nothing much to write home about. We were planning to explore mid town but there was this mysterious gas smell in the area that was causing some people to have breathing problems, which is always a bad idea for asthmatics like myself. Then my plan to head to Central Park was thwarted by bad weather. So instead we ate the leftover bread and cheese from Saturday night, went to watch The Good Shepard (three hours gone, right there!) and then ordered pizza at night. I felt super guilty for not making Lizzy do more New Yorky stuff, but writing it all out it actually seems like a fairly active weekend. She was a lovely, mannerly house guest and she brought me Veuve, so I love her.

The rest of the week was pretty crazy, as I'd alluded to before, with the 20 hour day on Wednesday. We finally got to celebrate Josh's birthday last night! I took him to Morton's (gasp, I know, would any true New Yorker go to a chain steakhouse? But I've been to other NYC steakhouse institutions and wasn't particularly impressed, so there!) which was pretty good. I do agree that it's kind of overpriced for what it is - $250 for two drinks, a bottle of wine, one appetizer, two steaks, and two sides. Still, Josh wanted to go and what the man wants for his birthday, he gets! His gifts from me were Family Guy season 4 (I think?), a Banana Republic gift certificate, a subscription to Maxim (which he loves, ew) and a new iPod. Such a princess he is. It's more than we normally spend on birthdays but his one and a half year old iPod just went on the fritz and he uses one so much that I figured he deserved it. Hope it was a good one, baby!

OK that's probably more update than anyone wanted, but thanks for reading this far if you made it! Ta!

2007-01-11T10:24:00.000-05:00

Baby lawyer's first all nighter!

And seeing how I couldn't possibly do anything in a half arsed manner, it was for a Supreme Court brief and in a pro bono death penalty case. I suppose if you have to suffer that badly it may as well be for an actual client with a serious interest at stake, as opposed to Wachovia or Shell Oil or something...right? But okay, bit of an exaggeration - I wasn't there quite all night. I was home and in bed by 4:30. Still, I was feeling weak and nauseous by then from way too much coffee and bad food we had to order in at 3am. You know that whole thing about New York, city that never sleeps, you can get anything you want at any hour? Well, not so much in lower Manhattan, apparently. Wall Street is just not that happening at that hour. The choices in Midtown are so much better. We had to settle for disturbingly chewy mozarella sticks and sad french fries...from a place called Bully's, at that. Pretty sick. But this thing is out the door and hopefully I can be a normal person today. It's Josh's birthday, but I have a feeling it'll be another late night tonight because of another brief that needs to be cite checked before it's filed tomorrow...and of course the partners aren't done with their changes yet.

I noted the other day on a board that I used to post on, now mostly lurk and infrequently (for me anyway) contribute, that a few people live my "fabulous" NYC life vicariously through this blog. Hee! Too funny. Hi girls! I figured I was boring the crap out of people because all I really do is talk about work and complain about how expensive things are. The context in which this whole thing came up was when someone mentioned she would be moving to Manhattan for a couple of years and people were raining on her parade by holding forth about how they could never live here. I'm the last person to over-exaggerate how fabulous Manhattan is (I've only spent the last couple of weeks researching Anywhere Else In The World to move to) but seriously, what gives, people? Whatever happened to manners? Would anyone ever be like "Wow, you're moving to the Prairies? Holy shit it's boring there. How could you live with all those hicks, in that cold?" Well, I guess some people would say stuff like that, because they're rude.

Anyway - being at work until 4 in the morning does not give you a free pass for the next day, at least as a Manhattan lawyer (!) so I'd better eventually shower and stuff. More update soon, I hope.

2006-12-28T08:00:00.000-05:00

Thank you all for the nice greetings and birthday wishes over the last few days. By the way, another reason for you all to put it in a comment in the blog? When I got those e-mail notification thingies about new comments I remember I have a blog, and then I remember to update it! This one's going to be a doozy!

This was our first Christmas spent away from Josh's family. It was just us and the cat...and my friend Mark and his brother came over for dinner. It was low key, it was casual and it was actually pretty darned nice. I had wondered if inevitable family drama was that certain je ne sais quoi of a proper Christmas but actually you can do jeeeest fine without. Plus you can get the presents portion done by noon, as opposed to 5 a.m. We had some (store bought) appetizers of spiced olives, hot phyllo hors d'ouevres, rosemary chips and Max Brenner chocolates (provided by Mark and Chris) and then for dinner we had herbed roast beef, scalloped potatoes gratin, yorkshire pudding and tomato and onion salad. For dessert I made chocolate orange pots de creme which even Josh said were good, and he's not a fan of the chocolate/fruit combos. If Mark sends me a picture of the food I'll be sure to add it in here.

I went back to work yesterday (yup, on my birthday!) because I actually did have work to do and a status conference to attend at court. I don't know if I'll ever quite get over the fact that court is nowhere near as glamorous as I grew up thinking it would be. Even once in law school, when you haughtily think you've left all your Law & Order illusions behind, you cling to some of those fantasies...then you actually go to court repeatedly and realize what a gong show the whole thing is. Yesterday we spent the first fifteen minutes at court being verbally bitchslapped by a very irate client (something that the movies and T.V. don't quite prepare you for). Then the judge arrived and we all stood, as is proper and at one with my expectations from movies and T.V., so we were back on track. Then the "hearing", consisting of setting a date for the next status conference, took place over the next three minutes. The most disconcerting thing was that once the date was set? The judge sat back in his chair and started shooting the shit with his clerk and stenographer. None of that "all rise" and making a dignified exit or anything. Then the attorneys sauntered off from their podium and started chatting too, all while the judge was still lounging about in his chair and for all I knew court was still in session since no one had said we were adjourned. ??? Weird. Where is my pomp? Where is my circumstance? Why did I sign up for this if not for the trappings??

I've mostly gotten over the angst of my job being nothing like Hollywood. It just sometimes rankles. It's especially annoying with the pro bono ("for the public good", i.e., free) work because the whole point is supposed to be that you're helping people who need it. It kind of crushes your illusions though when you realize that half the time your client thinks that you're God and that you're going to get the Supreme Court, the U.N. and Bono to champion his case because you're Just That Good, and the other half your client hates you and thinks that you must be crap because you're working for free. I'll always do the pro bono work because I just think it's the right thing to do, and the firm is very encouraging of it, but damn is it ever demoralizing sometimes, especially in the criminal context because you really have such a slim chance of actually winning. There's no fighting the good fight, crusading for your poor innocent downtrodden client against all odds and making a powerful legal argument that makes the judge weep with its eloquence. There's just fighting for fair process in the end. Whether that leads to fair results, I can't even say because I don't know what that looks like yet. I'm not sure if I'll ever know, really. That's why we have Hollywood, though, right?

Anyway - another year older, another year wiser. My cousin started this new birthday listing thing this year that tells us whenever there's a birthday in our (very large) family via e-mail, so I got a lot of birthday wishes this year. Always a nice thing. My mom and stepdad sent me flowers at work! That was exceptionally sweet. I've never gotten flowers at work before (yes, probably because I've never worked before...shaddup). It felt awfully grown up. They are really gorgeous too - red roses and white lilies and orchids! I felt terribly guilty though, because delivered flowers are sooo expensive. Even a small, simple arrangement of wildflowers cost an arm and a leg. Then last night we went for dinner with my officemate Nina and her husband Chris, which was totally exciting in and of itself because all through school no one was ever around to celebrate my birthday - not even just a casual dinner or anything because everyone just scattered over the holidays. Not only did they have dinner with us but they picked up the check, which was so incredibly nice. We are so lucky to know cool people here already. We're even invited to a New Year's house party, which was really unexpected and nice.

All the best to everyone in 2007! *Hugs* and as always thanks for reading!!

2006-12-13T08:07:00.000-05:00

It's 8:07 a.m. on a Wednesday morning and I'm lounging on my couch, unshowered, just coming off my most recent period of madness at work. Normally I leave the house at around 8:45 to get to work for around 9:30 but I'm treating myself to a late start today. Fortunately we aren't forced to have any real set hours at work so no one really cares about when you get in. Definitely one perk of being a so-called professional ;).

Last week I got put on a new assignment, which brings me up to five cases - three paying clients and two pro bono criminal cases (one appellate, one that will likely end up as a plea bargain). They all sort of just vomited on me last week, with every single one becoming active. That doesn't happen too often but when it does, frankly, it's just not cool. I had a few 14 hour days in there, plus a 12 hour day on Saturday. It's probably still not over, but I'm not above taking advantage of a quiet moment or two in the middle of it all. It could definitely be worse - my girlfriend on a bigger case billed 100 hours over six days last week. She was working until 6 am every day, going home to shower and sleep for a few hours and coming back. Total madness. I'm already stealthily thinking of my exit options...not because it's overall such a horrible place to be, at least not in the short term, but I just don't understand how anyone could keep this up as a lifestyle choice. They must have more fortitude than me, or at least be able to turn down assignments with more good grace, because I haven't discovered that trick yet. I'm a people pleaser. I tried to book off two vacations days - that's right, days - and am cancelling both because there is just too much going on for me to be gone for a day at a time. No wonder so many of us turn to drink!

2006-11-28T06:27:00.000-05:00

I'm so excited by the discovery that people actually still read this that I'm inspired to post again. That, and the 7:30 a.m. meeting that I was supposed to attend this morning was pushed back to 8:00 and I didn't realize it until I woke up at an indecent hour and checked my Blackberry. So, may as well update while I can.

I think the most recent string of celebrity divorces is giving me some kind of subconscious angst. I'm so not a stressful wife in any way, but I had this awful, vivid dream last night that Josh had an affair and left me for a very young blonde girl who looked suspiciously like Carrie Underwood. This dream went on forever! I had a few hysterical fits and tried to beat the crap out of him more than once during it...and even when I woke up I was disoriented and sad. Totally strange to feel that kind of violence of emotion while dreaming and then still feel it once you've woken up.

I left work at the unheard of (well, in recent weeks) hour of 6:30 last night to hit Macy's. The festive decor at the department stores in New York City is truly something you have to see at least once in your lifetime. Every suburbanite in a 100 mile radius drags their kids here to look at the windows, which accounts for much of the insane foot traffic in those areas on the weekends. Still, it's not something you can bask in for too long because the frenzied pace follows you everywhere. I just went to find a reasonably priced (!) clutch for this black tie dinner I'm attended on Saturday that I had seen on their website, but no banana when I actually arrived - apparently not everything that they have on their website is available in the store. I did learn, however that there are some fugly purses out there selling for prices that you would. not. believe.

While we've on the topic of prices that you wouldn't believe...there's been something that's been bugging me lately and that is, who are these people browing the Michael Kors and Chloe bags at every department store I go into and how can they all have so much more money than I do? I'm genuinely curious. This entire city seems full of people with limitless disposable income and I don't know if it's just because billionaire hedge fund managers' wives casually shop at Barneys with the rest of us or I'm just doing something terribly wrong with my income management.
I make a decent salary and yet to me, a handbag from Banana Republic is a naughty indulgence. I used to feel fairly well dressed with most of my clothes from Banana or Ann Taylor but compared to the other lawyers at my firm I feel frumpy and poor - lost in a sea of Jimmy Choo, Prada and Coach on the cheap end. I have a mental block against feeling that $600 is a reasonable price to pay for a handbag, I think, even though this city has already completely warped my preconceived notions of what a "lot of money" is (happens when $3000 a month goes to rent alone!). I feel like I'm occupying a strange place right now, wanting to fit in and be stylish and not stand out as "that girl in the hideous polyester pants and faux croc shoes" but neither do I want to completely succumb to the pressures around me. Someone reccommended this book, The Overspent American, that I think I'm going to check out for some validation over Christmas.

Morgan - if you're reading this - best wishes for your wedding in ten days!! From what I hear about the weather in your city right now you'll have the perfect winter day that you were planning for. Can't wait to see pics :).

2006-11-26T19:57:00.000-05:00

As a result of the terse directive I received in my inbox from my brother recently ("Update!") I became sufficiently ashamed at my lameness to update this blog. Truth be told - it's hard to update a blog when you have nothing much to discuss besides work...and all aspects of your work are confidential...and any indiscretions are likely to end up posted on Gawker. I'm digging deep here to think up fabulous things.

To get work out of the way - it's definitely busy. Only one of my cases has been really active but it's been keeping me sufficiently busy. A normal day is fairly quiet until about 3 or so, when the partners call me in to give me work, and then I end up working until 9 or so. It's just the cycle we tend to work on at the firm. The partners are crazy busy with meetings all day and then they remember me and the work they want to give me in the afternoon. It's all interesting work, but the learning curve is steep, and I spend most of my time near-catatonic with fear that I'm screwing everything up massively. Still - not fired yet - and most of the more senior associates assure us that this is just how everyone feels when they first start.

In other fascinating news - I found out I passed the bar a couple of weeks ago. There aren't words to express what a relief that was. I was physically nauseous every time I thought of the results for at least a week before. So, I'm now "certified" to go for my Character & Fitness interview, where they figure out if I'm...fit, I guess. Apparently it's not too searching an inquiry. Thank god for small mercies, right?

It's not all work and no play, of course. Josh and I have managed to spend like drunken sailors - there always seems to be something fabulous to drop a lot of money on. Our social activities mostly consist of lazy brunches and swanky dinners with friends, most of whom I know through work. Josh is more proficient than ever in lawyerspeak. We just celebrated American Thanksgiving with an old friend who was in town with his girlfriend. And very cool news - Josh is starting his job tomorrow! It's the same type of work, in a totally new industry, and they are paying him more money than he made in Toronto! Which is great for me, because I can now rest assured that I totally didn't ruin his career by dragging him here.

I'm sure that's enough for now ;). I love your comments so pleeeease keep sending!

2006-09-22T21:51:00.000-04:00

I've survived a week!

That's kind of an accomplishment or something, right?? We're not done training by a long shot, though - still another four or so days next week before we get Real Assignments. And from what I hear? There will be many, many Assignments since Litigation is ridiculously busy.

They put so much time and money into training us, and I sincerely appreciate the effort, but I think my brain was full at some point on Tuesday. There is just too much to take in - everything from witness interviews, to online research, to library orientation, to document production and management. We spent the entire day today on just document production and discovery techniques and it's just overwhelming - the main thrust of the matter is basically that we can get into deep, deep trouble for screwing this up, to the tune of billion dollar verdicts and big trouble from regulators. Mostly I'm alarmed at how no one else in training seems utterly terrified at the prospect of being in charge of litigation analysts, assistants, paralegals, secretaries and temps. I don't want this kind of responsibility...waaaah!

Of course, getting used to a full working day is tough. The commute to work is only about 45 minutes including walking to and from the subway since I take an express train most of the way, and of course working past 8pm means you can take a car home and charge it to the client. I foresee much of this! I've already been staffed on a pro bono death penalty case, at my own request, and the rest is totally up in the air. At least things are sweet on the home front - Josh has been absolutely amazing!! Not only has he been sweet and comforting, he's got the whole apartment straightened out, dishes done, laundry folded...it's incredible.

It could be a while before the next update because things are so up in the air, but I'll try to post even brief bits whenever I can.

2006-09-16T07:49:00.000-04:00

Saturday morning and I’m waiting for my Fresh Direct delivery to arrive. For you non-Noo Yawkers, Fresh Direct is how you order groceries online. It’s genius because you save time and the sheer physical exertion of dragging your groceries home, but there’s some serious sticker shock in going from Ontario grocery prices to this. New York is so weird like that – some stuff is surprisingly cheap, like cute little neighbourhood restaurants and decent takeout, while 16oz of strawberries are $5 and the good toilet paper is $10. I’m hoping to use Fresh Direct for the big stuff that we need delivered, like cases of water and Red Bull, and then to find a good place in the neighbourhood where we can grocery shop, although I’m not holding out for much better prices – it’s absolutely true when they say it’s actually cheaper to eat out for every meal in NYC than it is to cook for yourself.

Josh arrives tomorrow! I’m so excited that I’m a little sick with it – also probably because the day after that, I go to work. I have the added advantage of having worked at my firm last summer so I know what to expect, but my insides are still all twisted up with the anticipation. Imagine the first day of school jitters compounded with the fear of performing so badly that you’ll be kicked out. It’s times like this where my performance at law school means really nothing – you’re rewarded for doing well on the 100% exams but that doesn’t always necessarily translate into having the practical and social skills necessary to do well in an office environment. Or any common sense for that matter. I briefly worked on a matter last summer with a student from Yale Law School (the best law school in the United States) and she couldn’t figure out how to download publicly available documents about a company from the SEC’s website. Even after I had explained the concept to her. More than once.

It also doesn’t help that the ever-present fear of failure (to which I credit my first year grades!) is exacerbated by such little things as the $36,000 lease I’m accountable for now. Josh might be getting a job where he needs a car, which will cost us around $1200 a month alone when you take into account parking ($350 a month!), insurance, gas and the like. I’ve had many a shivering moment when I realize that if I fail at this I am up shit creek in a more substantial way than I’ve ever experienced before in my life. I'm also responsible for dragging my husband to a new country and starting afresh here. On a bright note - said husband has a job interview for Tuesday!

2006-09-12T19:42:00.000-04:00

When I said I moved to the U.S. for the shopping...

...I was only half kidding. I definitely wasn't kidding when I said this move has caused me to hemmorhage money, but let's not quibble over such minor matters. This shopping is Important. It's work-related. And the $50 per day I'm spending at Duane Reade is apartment-related. And the odd dinner delivery, manicure, pedicure and massage are just the little indulgences I need to get through each week in a strange, frightening city. Hee!

But I digress - the shopping! I went to Century 21 today first - breaking my own rule that I'll only go there obscenely early in the morning to avoid the crowds. I always intend to do that, but it never works, and then when I actually get there it's an absolute zoo. I got a cute soft leather wallet, interesting Calvin Klein tights and Nine West black pumps for around $70 altogether. On the way home I stopped in at Aldo for a bit of "home", where I purchased tan heels, and Banana Republic where I got some new black pants. And the absolute best part?? Vanity sizing! Holy shit, people...the Americans have turned it into a total debacle. I bought a size 0 and it is roomy. Hysterical.

Lest you fear I've become all stomach and frivolity, however, I am spending the day at the Met on Thursday. Balance is key ;).

2006-09-07T15:39:00.000-04:00

Surreal sounds about right.

My first week here is coming to a close and I'm still being alternatively pleasantly surprised and alarmed at my new life every day. Most of my waking hours are spent unpacking boxes now and realizing that this apartment will maybe fit 70% of our stuff. Something's going to have to go and my first vote is for Josh's ancient baseball card collection and this god-awful stereo from the late 70's that is quite frankly a fire hazard.

What is completely delightful right now, though, is my apartment building. I knew it was a "full service" building but this is crazy. I called the front desk to ask where I can take my empty boxes and paper out and they sent someone up to collect it - yesterday and today. That's how things are done around here. Also, when you call with a work order there's someone there within fifteen minutes. I know because I've already called about a suspected gas leak (which was confirmed) and a non-functioning fridge (which was not plugged in...yes, I am That Girl). There's a doorman who stands outside specifically to get us cabs. All in all, it's approaching a fair trade off for my $3000 a month and the paltry amount of cupboard space I've been given.

2006-09-06T09:37:00.000-04:00

We take a break from our regularly scheduled NY updates...

...to say a little hello to the WB folks who will be visiting! Thanks so much for your kind words, everyone! It's nice to feel that I'll be missed by at least some. I meant what I said, it was a lovely distraction for a bit, and obviously I met some great people, but it seemed like a natural break. Truth be told? It was getting a little weird for me because it felt like I was being flamed for completely ridiculous stuff on a regular basis. I don't mind a sincere, hotly contested debate about things like religion or politics because those things are inherently contentious, but a couple of weeks ago I got flamed for my opinion on skinny jeans. I shit you not. At that point it was like, mmm, yeah...time to move on! I seemed to be getting a reputation for being a very controversial poster as well, and I didn't like that - I'm fully aware that I'm very candid with my thoughts and that won't always endear you to people (!) but I hate that people think I'm looking for arguments or something. Anyway, that's the whole sordid tale that I didn't want to bring up in my final post because I truly hate those "Goodbye Cruel Forum" flounces.
................

One step closer to being settled!

My stuff arrives today!! Thank god...I've only spent two days in this place with nothing but an airbed and a laptop and I'm already a little nuts. I've also spent a small fortune on eating out and running down to the drug store every couple of hours so hopefully I can start that Special K "diet" I've been talking about for months tomorrow.

Last night my friend C visited after school to check out my new apartment. The original plan was to head down to Chinatown for cheap food and household goods but it was pouring rain and, being princesses, we just headed to the Indian restaurant next to my building for dinner. They have $20 bottles of wine on the menu. Granted it's not J. Lohr or anything spectacular but I don't think I've ever seen such a cheap bottle of wine on a restaurant menu since, well, ever. They have a loyal customer in me already!

After that I'm off to get a library and gym membership so I can squeeze into my suit on the first day of work.

2006-09-04T22:05:00.000-04:00

Have news, must start spreading...

Wow, so - I've been an official Noo Yawker for about four days now and I'm oscillating between being deliriously happy and a little stunned too. It shouldn't be this overwhelming, really, seeing that I was here for three months last summer, but it's different when you start to feel like you actually belong here. It's not even like I'm from a small town or anything but it's hard not to feel a little, well, provincial. I honestly felt giddy with happiness when I discovered there is an exellent sushi restaurant literally across the street from my apartment. There's a drugstore downstairs and an Indian restaurant next door. Starbucks is a city block south and Blockbuster is a block north. The subway is a five minute walk for a local train, ten minutes for an express. For the rent I'm paying I frankly should be able to be beamed anywhere I need to go, but this will suffice for now.

I stayed with my friend A in Chelsea for a few days and she was just delightful (much much love to you A!) - she's a mid level associate at a large New York firm and has taken me under her wing a little with advice and introductions. Not only did she insist I stay with her for a few days, but she had set up a whole bunch of social activities for the long weekend as well as tours of where I needed to go to buy initial household items and the cool places to eat and just generally "be seen". On Friday we went out for Mexican in Chelsea; Saturday we had very swanky Italian dinner in Soho and then went to a cozy little wine bar after; Sunday we went for a dinner party in the East Village; and finally today I came home and tackled a whole bunch of household chores I'd been putting off.

I promise to keep you all updated from now on - it's probably more sensible than my former mass emails - and I hope you all keep in touch either here or via email. I'm so glad I got to see most of the Toronto people before I left but those of you I missed I hope to be back in the fall for at least a weekend!

xoxoxo,
Sultana

2006-08-26T08:20:00.000-04:00

First off, I'm not starting any more entries with lame excuses about why I haven't kept updated. Suffice to say, no one reads this blog and even if they did there'd be no real need to explain the obvious...essentially, that I'm a shitty blogger.

This last week we had Josh's immigration interview and it seems like everything's a go...unless of course the FBI turns up some funky stuff when they run his fingerprint check! But he assures me it's all good so, wow, mission accomplished. The interview was actually the most pathetic thing evar. We showed up at 7am (btw, we learned all these tips and tricks from the good folks at Visa Journey), were the first people let in at 7:30am, and were basically done and back at our hotel by 9am. About five minutes of that entire process were spent speaking with a human being. I was actually a little annoyed - I mean, after all the expense of the forms, and getting the documents together, and painstakingly filling every durned detail out to their specifications and spending over $800 to fly to Montreal for a freaking day, the least they could do was be thorough, dammit!

The last couple of weeks have been taken up just gradually meeting up with all of my friends to say my goodbyes. I'm sad but can't very overly sappy considering I've barely seen anyone for the last little bit - what with third year being a freaking zoo and the New York bar ruining my life for those few months there. Still, in the back of my mind I can't help but be saddened at the inevitable...this move changes everything. I'll do my best to stay in touch but when you're not in everyone's face it's hard for them to not forget you.

2006-06-22T19:58:00.000-04:00

Wow I am the saddest blogger of all time. But! Now I have the most amazing incentive to procrastinate! The New York bar exam looms on the horizon - late July - and I oscillate between strange moments of zen-like calm and utter, compete, paralyzing fear.

Today was a sort of shitty day, something less than a shining moment for me in that I think I may have been unintentionally (well, somewhat) snarky to someone who may or may not have been giving me attitude. What's worse is that a friend of mine called me on it and I basically told her to shove it. Oy. I hope she'll be talking to me tomorrow! I briefly considered apologizing but then scrapped that. Realistically, I'm not sorry, and I'm still pissed off at the 'tude. So forget it!

Otherwise things have been lame around here. I struggle to get any productive work done, waste copious amounts of time online and that's pretty much it. We're "dieting" again in preparation for our holiday to Mexico in late July. I've been riding the bike for about 50 minutes a day and frankly I'm not seeing results yet. So tonight I figured, shitty day, I deserve a beer, which I drank with my not-particularly-health tuna melt.

HU out - best show EVAR about to start.

2006-03-30T21:06:00.000-05:00

Why can't you people take a joke??

NBC just ran a couple of spoof public service ads during Will & Grace and they were totally hysterical...for people with more sense than a grasshopper I guess. It featured actors from The Office - Pam and Ryan - doing those "The More You Know" bits. Pam encouraged people to keep the information cards from wedding invitations rather than call the bride three days before the wedding, while Ryan insisted that 5'8" is not short for a man - check your almanac. Hee-larious!

Do you need to actually watch the show to get that those are supposed to be funny? Someone on my favourite message board just complained that those were hardly public service announcements, more like trivia! Oy.

2006-03-28T17:18:00.000-05:00

Back with something to say!

I couldn't tolerate Josh's mocking me for having a lame blog. I can't imagine it'll be a lot cooler at the end of this post but it won't be so embarassingly bare.

Today's pretty momentous, in that it's a day that occurs every few months at my house. Josh and I are "dieting", which generally means that for a couple of weeks we won't order takeout or go out for dinner. At least not until the weekend. Tonight's meal is fish - salmon - which Josh makes a big deal of hating but I think he secretly likes. It's getting impossible to keep making dishes that he likes, that are still low fat, fairly easy to prepare and not extremely expensive. He's a darling man, tidies all the time, in fact picks up after me, but he can't cook and has no imagination for new dishes. But of course he likes food and is critical of a whole bunch of things I like! Fish, curry, soup, "ethnic" food and the like.

Will return with update on results!

2006-03-19T20:23:00.000-05:00

It's a little embarassing to think I'm actually jumping on the blogging bandwagon at this late date. So two years ago and all that. But I figure I spend enough time on line that I must have something to contribute. And I like to talk. I lurve it, in fact. I know my husband is going to say it's "so gay" but I'll bet he bookmarks it.

More to come.